Monday, October 8, 2012

Anxious You??? Anxious Me!!!

Awhile ago I told you that I would be telling you a little something about me that not many people know.

And then LIFE happened.  And sharing didn't.

But it's time!

I was honored to be asked by Alexis by help her with a new project that she was starting.  A project about anxiety.

You might already know that Alexis has anxiety.  You might have seen her incredible vlog about it.  When I saw it, I knew I had to get in touch with her.  We have been friends for what feels like forever but I never knew....  And I had to tell her.... ME TOO!  I could SO relate to everything she was saying.

Since then, we've gotten closer - as any shared experience is likely to do.  I hate that we both deal with it but I'm so glad to have a friend who truly "gets it".  When she asked me if I wanted to help her with her project, Anxious You, Anxious Me, I quickly said YES!

And then I thought.... What did I just agree to?!?

Do I REALLY want to tell everyone that I go through times when I really worry about pretty much everything you can imagine?!?  What if people think I'm crazy?  Or unstable?  Or that I can't handle things?

And then I decided to heck with it.... If me telling you all that I'm a crazy worrier can help someone not feel alone, help someone feel some "same-same".... it's worth it.

So here I go.... Here's my story...

I've always been a worrier.  For as long as I can remember.  I remember being worried about going blind as a child. I'm not sure WHY I was worried about that.... but I'd read this book about Helen Keller and.....  worry.

I've always worried but I've also been able to control it.  I'd worry about something but it never really impacted my life too much.

And then life started hitting HARD.

Shortly before Sweets was dxd, J's brother was dx'd with leukemia.  In fact, his blogging about his experience is what gave me the idea of starting this blog.  He was 39 at the time.  Very healthy.  It was a freak thing.  Thank the Lord he is ok now.  But at the time... it was awful.  It was scary.  Their kids were young, he was in isolation for weeks and couldn't see them, he was REALLY sick... awful.  Heartbreaking.

And it sent my anxiety into overdrive.  I was convinced I had some terrible disease.  Convinced I was going to die.  I got so worked up I started having back and chest pain.  I FINALLY went to the doctor (because even though I worry, I do NOT like going to the doctor) and she said I was fine.  And so I was.

For awhile.

Then Sweets was diagnosed.  And I held it together really well in the hospital.  But once we were home...  my nerves were on edge.  I couldn't eat.  Nothing stayed down long.  I had awful headaches.  I thought I had a brain tumor.

In time, it got better.

But I've learned - I do not handle illness all that well.  Hearing about someone suffering or being diagnosed with something sends me over the edge.  I simply can not separate myself from the situation. I put myself in the person's place, think about how they are feeling and how their family is feeling and what they are going through... it makes me physically sick.

It would be easier if I just didn't care.  But I do.  I really do care.  My heart breaks and I have a very hard time not obsessing about it.

I go through periods where I'm fine and things don't throw me too much.

And then it's back.  And the worry, the obsessing begins again.

Surprisingly, I'm doing well right now.  I fully expected J's heart attack to throw me.  And maybe it will once it's all over and we get the second surgery out of the way...  but right now, I'm good.  And I'm thankful.

Of course, I hide it well.  Only those who really know me know about it.  I don't talk about it much.  I mean, it's not really casual dinner party conversation - you know?!?

I don't tell you this to get sympathy.  Or ask for advice.  I'm dealing with this.  My doctor knows.  And that's all I'm going to say about that.  I mean hey - some things have to kept private!

I'm putting this out there to say that if you deal with anxiety, worry...  you are not alone.


The amazing Kim from Texting My Pancreas and The You Can Do This Project put together a video for this project with clips from Alexis, Kate and me talking about our worry.  Take a few minutes to watch it HERE.

You can also get connected with other people who worry at Anxious You, Anxious Me on facebook and twitter.  It's not a place for medical advice.  Just a place to feel some "same same" from people who get it.

Life has been hitting us hard here lately - but I'm planning on blogging about first grade and other fun stuff SOON!  Thanks for being patient with me - and for all the love and support in the midst of all our craziness!