Thursday, March 18, 2010


First of all - WOW. I almost didn't post my last post (Lost). I wondered if it sounded too "woe is me". But then, I thought, "What the heck?!" And I'm so glad I did. I was so surprised to see how many other feel the same way I do. It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone in this journey - not in dealing with the diabetes nor in all the other crap that goes with it! I hate that we all feel this way....but I'm glad that we have each other! I love what Wendy said, "Let's keep our chins up together!" We WILL keep our chins up. And we WILL get there.... together!

Today I took Sweetpea BACK to the doctor to get her ears checked out. She's been complaining off and on for a week or more of ear pain. Yesterday she refused to drink because it hurt. She said she couldn't hear herself talk. She woke up crying in the night.... She's also super congested and has a low grade fever. Not good symptoms. Add to that "puking" up drainage this morning (pukes with D is my worst nightmare). Not good at all.

Cut to the chase.... her ear looks "suspicious" but is not a full blown infection. But, considering she's had this cold, cough, etc for about 10 days now and it's gotten progressively worse... we got some antibiotics and will hopefully be congestion free and feeling good for our Spring Break!

Here's where the flashback comes in...

We were taken back to the exam room today by a very sweet nurse (all the nurses and docs there are great) who took extra time to find out which ear hurt and take her temp in the other one. As I was running through her list of symptoms, I ended with, "She had moderate ketones this morning - but they're gone now".

The kind of smiled and said, "Were you diagnosed here?"


"I was the one who did the blood test. You were here with your husband, right? You were in the room next door."

"Yes, we were."

"I cried too that day. I just kept looking at that result and thinking something had to be wrong. That it couldn't be right."

I was floored.

I have never thought about how that day affected the other people involved. I've really only thought about what it was like for us - our family. I guess I never thought it would impact the doctors and nurses that were there, too.

I remember that day and yet it's a blur. I remember her testing Sweetpea. They tested her toes. Then coming back in to do it again because it wasn't "working right".... I knew then. Oh, who's kidding who - I knew before we went.

I remember trying desperately to hold it together. I remember breaking down in tears when we were told what I knew in my heart to be true, was true indeed. I vaguely remember her being in and out of the room while I sat there and cried.

"We've come a long way since then" I said.

"It's been year, hasn't it. It was exactly a year ago."

"Yes. April 27th."

"I remember."

"It's been quite a year but we're doing ok. Sweetpea, show her what you have now!"

Sweetpea immediately shows off her Tinkerbell pouch and pink pump. She loves that pump!

"Wow! You have an insulin pump! That's great! When did you get it?"

"October. About 5 months in. It's great. We LOVE it!"

Sweetpea chimes in, "Yes. And you press these buttons here and put in the numbers and it gives me my insulin!"

"She's so knowledgeable about it. She's so mature, I'd expect that."

"Yeah, she understands a lot about diabetes now and everything we have to do."

"That's great. Well, the doctor will be in soon. I hope you have a nice vacation!"

"Thank you. We will!"

And we smile goodbye at each other as this look passes between us. This look of knowing. Of understanding. Of having been through something together. I guess you form a bond with people who were there on the worst day of your life.

It obviously made an impact on her. That day. My baby. Our grief.

It was a special moment. One that I'm so glad we were able to share!


Wednesday, March 17, 2010


I look in the mirror and what do I see?

A stranger staring back at me.

I seriously look in the mirror, on the days when I actually have enough time to look at myself, and I barely recognize the person looking back at me.

I'm a MESS.

What happened??

I've never been so tired in my life. That might be one factor. It's probably the cause of the dark circles and glazed eyes.

I gained about 10 pounds after dx. I know why. No time to work out. Stress. No sleep. Eating fast food. But it won't go away. I'm trying - really trying. And it's not working. I lost about 3 of those pounds and the rest are holding on for dear life. I am BEYOND frustrated with this. Eating less has always worked. Why not now?

This leads to my next problem... nothing fits. I am in serious trouble when it gets warmer. Break out the garbage bag, I guess.

People talk to me and I don't hear them. I have trouble forming complete, coherent thoughts.

I forget things. All. the. time.

I used to exercise like a maniac. Every day before I got married. Then a few times a week. Then, once Sweetpea was born, at least a couple times a week. Now - none.

I don't recognize the person I see.

And I can't help but think.... WHAT HAPPENED?

I used to be so cute. So put together. Hair, nails, makeup, outfit - everything. I miss that.

Now I'm lucky to get where I'm going. I've got a million and one thngs going on in my brain. You know the list... all that goes into taking care of a home, a family, working, everything involved in teaching 24 children to read and write, handling diabetes and it's ever changing demands...

It's all I can do to keep my head above water.

I know that once you have a family, things change. You no longer spend the time on yourself that you once did.

That's true - it's just so much WORSE this year.

I used to feel "put together". Now I feel "thrown together".

I know what happened. D happened. And it ran me over and never looked back.

It's almost been a year and I still feel like I'm just trying to piece back together the thing formerly known as my life. Some days I'm still in survival mode. Just trying to make it through. On those days, D rules. It's all I can think about. It keeps me busy and occupies my mind every second.

Some days are a little better. On those days, D is like a dull ache. You still know it's there but it's possible to forget about it for awhile. I like those days.

Maybe this, too, will get better in time? Maybe each day D will become a little more in the "background" of our lives. Not totally - I know that will not happen - and with D - It really CAN'T happen.

But maybe one day I'll find myself again. Maybe I'll lose the weight. Maybe I'll start doing some things for me. Maybe I'll start to recognize the person in the mirror.

I hope so.

Anyone else out there lost?