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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

A stranger staring back at me.

I seriously look in the mirror, on the days when I actually have enough time to look at myself, and I barely recognize the person looking back at me.

I'm a MESS.

What happened??

I've never been so tired in my life. That might be one factor. It's probably the cause of the dark circles and glazed eyes.

I gained about 10 pounds after dx. I know why. No time to work out. Stress. No sleep. Eating fast food. But it won't go away. I'm trying - really trying. And it's not working. I lost about 3 of those pounds and the rest are holding on for dear life. I am BEYOND frustrated with this. Eating less has always worked. Why not now?

This leads to my next problem... nothing fits. I am in serious trouble when it gets warmer. Break out the garbage bag, I guess.

People talk to me and I don't hear them. I have trouble forming complete, coherent thoughts.

I forget things. All. the. time.

I used to exercise like a maniac. Every day before I got married. Then a few times a week. Then, once Sweetpea was born, at least a couple times a week. Now - none.

I don't recognize the person I see.

And I can't help but think.... WHAT HAPPENED?

I used to be so cute. So put together. Hair, nails, makeup, outfit - everything. I miss that.

Now I'm lucky to get where I'm going. I've got a million and one thngs going on in my brain. You know the list... all that goes into taking care of a home, a family, working, everything involved in teaching 24 children to read and write, handling diabetes and it's ever changing demands...

It's all I can do to keep my head above water.

I know that once you have a family, things change. You no longer spend the time on yourself that you once did.

That's true - it's just so much WORSE this year.

I used to feel "put together". Now I feel "thrown together".

I know what happened. D happened. And it ran me over and never looked back.

It's almost been a year and I still feel like I'm just trying to piece back together the thing formerly known as my life. Some days I'm still in survival mode. Just trying to make it through. On those days, D rules. It's all I can think about. It keeps me busy and occupies my mind every second.

Some days are a little better. On those days, D is like a dull ache. You still know it's there but it's possible to forget about it for awhile. I like those days.

Maybe this, too, will get better in time? Maybe each day D will become a little more in the "background" of our lives. Not totally - I know that will not happen - and with D - It really CAN'T happen.

But maybe one day I'll find myself again. Maybe I'll lose the weight. Maybe I'll start doing some things for me. Maybe I'll start to recognize the person in the mirror.

I hope so.

Anyone else out there lost?


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