This post has been a long time coming.
I'm swamped with back to school stuff that's calling my name. But I can't wait any longer to write this. It needs done. Now.
This is not the most comfortable thing to write. It's not the easiest subject. But I'm doing it anyway.
Partly because I need the motivation and accountability. Partly because I know that if I feel this way, someone else does too.
So where do I begin???
Way back... Like 10 years ago. I loved to exercise. I did Jazzercise or walked on the treadmill every day. I really wanted to become a Jazzercise instructor. I ate healthy. I WAS healthy.
I got married. We moved. We had a baby. There was no time to teach Jazzercise in addition to a full time job and a baby. But I still went to class. I was dancing and walking until almost the day before Sweets was born. And I was back at it not long after.
But it was harder. After working all day, I wanted to spend time with my baby when I got home. I wasn't exercising every day anymore. But I was still pretty healthy. And the pregnancy weight dropped off quickly. All but 8-10 pounds. I was pretty much ok with that. I thought that once she was a little older it would be easier to find time to exercise.
But that didn't seem to happen. I quit Jazzercise when we moved. I tried to go back a time or two... but it never worked. Class was too far away or at dinner time... It was just too hard. I tried to get on the treadmill consistently. It was really hard when she was so young. I was consistent at all.
But I kept thinking... just a little bit longer. When she's just a little bit older.
And I was almost there. I was working out more regularly than ever before. I was feeling good.
And then.... diabetes entered our lives.
And all the progress I had made went up in smoke.
I had a three year old with type 1 diabetes. I hardly slept. We ate at fast food restaurants a LOT at first because there was nutritional information and I just couldn't handle cooking, carb counting, and holding down a screaming toddler to give her a shot.
I don't think I really need to tell you that I was not exercising.
So... stress, lack of sleep, poor diet, no exercise.... I gained a lot of weight.
And I didn't even notice. I wasn't looking in the mirror. Not really. I was just trying to survive.
I would come home after a long day at school and want to spend time with Sweets. I almost always bring work home with me. So dinner. Time with my girl. Work. Exhaustion sets in and there just isn't room for anything else.
Last year, I was finally, once again, finding my way back. Sweets was older. D was more "normal" and had become just another part of our lives. She was not going to my school anymore which helped me get more done and have less to bring home. I was ready. I had a plan. J would exercise during the day and I would have time once I got home.
And then he had a heart attack.
I was totally thrown for another loop.
He was making sure he was eating healthy and exercising. But not me. I just could not get it together. I felt like I was barely holding it together for everyone else. Taking care of everyone else. And there just was not time for me.
I gained more weight.
The past year has been mostly a mental block. J would encourage me to exercise and eat healthy. But I just couldn't figure it out. How in the world do I work all day with needy five year olds, take care of my T1 daughter, take care of my post-heart attack husband. Keep up with the house. Take Sweets to lessons and practice and actually COACH her cheer squad. Keep on top of school work and lesson plans. And actually have any time at all for me?
Last year, I didn't. I couldn't.
But it is time.
It's time for ME. To take care of ME.
I know that I will never be the girl I was 10 years ago. How could I be? I've seen too much and been through too much. And honestly, I don't want to be her again anyway.
But I don't want to lose her completely.
I've got find a way to keep some of her and add those parts to who I am now.
This is how I'm going to do it. Destination ME. This is my journey.
It's not all about weight loss. Do I want to lose weight? Yes. Am I going to do weekly weigh ins and post results? No.
It's more than weight. It's eating healthy - not to lose weight but to BE HEALTHY. It's getting enough sleep. It's relaxing. It's doing the things I used to enjoy and never do anymore. It's reading. It's crafting. It's exercising. It's taking care of my body. And my soul.
So I'm going to try to do a weekly post called Destination ME.
I'm going to come up with a goal for the week. It may be small. It may be big. It may have to do with diet and exercise. It may not.
I don't know what this road is going to look like until I start walking.
But I hope I won't be walking it alone.
If you feel the way I do...
If anything I've said resonates with you...
If you need to find yourself again...
If you need to start taking of YOU...
You don't have to do my goal. Come up with your own. Write your own post and link up here. If you don't blog, just leave your goal in the comments.
Let's help each other get there. To where ever THERE may be.
I'm starting small. This is my first week with all 30 of my kinders and I KNOW I am going to be flat out exhausted and have LOTS of school work to do each night when I get home. So my goal is SLEEP. I tend to stay up waaaaaay too late. Add to that overnight checks. Tired Mama. So my goal is get in bed with all electronics OFF by 11pm. Earlier if possible.
That's it. That's this week's goal. I want to start getting more sleep. I think it's going to help me with the exercise and eating healthy. I think it's going to make me less of a grump! I need it. So that's it. That's my goal for this week. I'll let you know next week how I actually DO with this goal. And seeing as though I was still working at midnight last night.... Ummmm, yeah.
So come on! Join me! Let's do this!