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I Don't Like Feeling This Way

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

You know, I almost didn't post about this...

I mean, I've posted before about the Green Eyed Monster.

But then Reyna wrote about it.  And I thought "SAME".

So here I am.  To share with you MY story of jealousy.

Let's go back a week...  Our JDRF Walk to Cure Diabetes was on Saturday.  (Pics and possibly a video to come... but I'm STILL recovering...)

Well, AFTER the walk Sweets had been invited to a birthday party.  And not just ANY birthday party.



I know, you're thinking that I am totally, completely, 100% insane to do a slumber party after the walk.  It wasn't supposed to happen that way.  The party was supposed to have been the week before but kids get sick and people are busy and so the party was after the walk.

Sweets was SUPER EXCITED about this!  This was a SURPRISE slumber party for 3 of her very dear friends.

Are you confused?

Let me explain....  One of MY dear, dear, best friends has 3 kids.  ALL born in late September or early October.  One is 8.  One is 6.  One is 2.  So she had one big, get-r-done party for all the kids!  I thought that sounded like a wonderful idea!

Sweets loves ALL  of these kiddos - but especially the 6 year old.  She and He are best buds.  They say they are getting married.  He's the one who said that he wished she didn't have diabetes.  I love these kids like they are my own, too.  So that just added to our excitement!

Now, I had no problem spending the night.  You knew I was going to, right?!?  I mean Sweets has never spent the night anywhere without me.  ANYWHERE.  But this is my best friend we're talking about here - so it's not like I minded hanging out!  I did not!


The parents all hung around for awhile for dinner and presents and cake.  We are all friends, too.  They are a fun bunch.

But there it was.


The parents are all talking about what they are going to go do once they leave.

Go to dinner.
Go to a movie.
Spend time together.

And I just could not help it.

All that kept going through my head was.... must be nice.

And I just HATE feeling that way!

But.... Oh My Gosh.

There I was.... I'd just organized our walk team and walked 3 miles that morning in our JDRF Walk.  On top of also running the JDRF Advocacy booth, signing up new advocates, getting people to sign our petition for a JDRF license plate, and encouraging people to add to our chain of links that we're taking to Congress.


How much would I have liked to have a little down time?
How much would I have liked to have been able to spend some time with my husband?!?

I can't tell you the last time J and I got out on our own.  I'm thinking it MAY have been for our anniversary in July... but I don't know.  We barely see each other anymore.  We communicate on the phone because he leaves for work before we get up and once we're home from school it's busy, busy, busy until bed.  Just trying to spend time with her and keep the house running and getting work done...  It's crazy.

I miss my husband.

How much would I have liked to have been able to go home and sleep.  All night.  No worries.

I can't tell you how hard it was to sit there and listen to all the chatter.

But what choice did I have?

There was no way I could have left Sweets alone.  I would NOT leave my friend in charge of T1 AND 11 kids.  And honestly, Sweets would not have stayed if I had not stayed.  She doesn't like to be away from me at bedtime.  And that has nothing to do with D.

And there was NO WAY that Sweets was not going to get to experience this sleepover.  NO WAY.

So....  I sucked it up.

I had a good time watching the little ones and getting them all tucked into their sleeping bags.  I enjoyed watching their sweet little faces as one by one they drifted off to sleep.  I had fun eating pizza and talking with my super wonderful friend once all the kids were ASLEEP!

It was a crazy night.... of course.  I treated more than one low.  The 2 year old somehow ended up sleeping with me on the couch (so sweet!).  Sweets and her buddy were awake and whispering at 6 am.  Then they were organizing a parade - complete with a drum set and tambourine - through the living room around 7:30.

But you know....

As much as it stings.  As much I'd give my right arm for a little down time.  As much as I so want to spend some time alone with my husband.  As much as I NEED SLEEP....

I have some pretty awesome memories that the parents who went home don't have.

Like this....

And I just keep reminding myself that sooner or later Sweets will be grown up.  It won't be long before she won't want me around.  Before I know it she's going to be handling this on her own.

So, for this season, I may not get the "breaks" that other parents get. I may not get the nights out.  I might not get the sleep.  I might not get the date nights.  I might not ever be able to just leave my kid at someone else's house without major planning and worry.

But I get the memories.
And I get the satisfaction that Diabetes did not win.  It did not keep my girl from being a kid.
And I get the pleasure of knowing that I am teaching Sweets how to LIVE with diabetes.  How to do whatever it takes.  How she can be just like everyone else.

Yeah... I'm still jealous at times.  But I know that my life and the life of my family is just different from "everybody else".  Not better.  Not worse.  Just different.

And I keep reminding myself of this...



  1. Whoo, boy, I hear you. I totally had the green-eyed-monster today when I was waiting to pick up the kids from school. A mom friend was bursting with excitement that she was going to Vegas with her husband for 3 nights. I couldn't help but think, "man, I wish I could do that, but I CAN'T and it sucks."

    It's so funny...I never left my kids and did trips when they were younger - they needed me and I didn't feel right being away. And, after all, I figured once they were in school and more grown up, it wouldn't be a problem.

    Turns out I should have taken those trips before D showed up in our lives!

  2. I am overwhelmed. I get this post. Not because Ryan has had a slumber party (boys don't seem to do them like girls do) but I get the jealousy sometimes. And kuddos to you for the ability to be honest because I think we do all feel it from time to time. But I love your acceptance at the end. We have been called to this life. It's hard. It's no fun sometimes. But please know you don't do it alone. You are an amazing mom . . .

  3. I can't cry anymore Hallie! Geez between you and Meri!

    I feel you sista. Oh do I feel you.

    Love the pic and the parade me smile.

  4. I can relate to so many points and sentiments -- the jealousy, hating the jealousy, the exhaustion, the lack of down time, the non-existant date nights, wanting to savor the moments before Sweets grows up, feeling good about the way you're managing D and teaching Sweets.

    Same, same, same!!!

  5. I've SO been there! Some days feel so unfair, but the super special relationship I have with my little princess makes up for it. At least for ME. I'm not sure if I will ever NOT be jealous for HER and the normal life she should've had. :/

  6. Love that Sweets was able to enjoy the sleepover and that you were there to share such special memories with her! I'm a victim of the green-eyed monster at times too...but then I try to step back and see that silver-lining hidden there beneath those clouds :) Love the quotes! Especially the last one....although I may need some reminding at times :)


    One day you'll have the memories...and everyone else will wonder what they missed.

    Great job on surviving a crazy weekend :)

  8. What an amazing experience you gave her!
    Yep, totally sucks having to hear those parents go on and on (no matter what the topic might be, somehow it can always leave that twinge of green in me).
    That first quote hit me hard...needed it, so thank you. Having some moments lately of realization that my plans and expectations need to be set aside.
    Extremely hard to do, but it must be done!

  9. WoHooo for the Slumber Party. AND. As you know, "same-same". I am not sure I can find many positives from my bus ride yesterday...The kids were loud. It was an hour and a 1/2 long (each way)...AND...of course Joe was first down the damn mountain, so we had to wait on the bus for an extra 40 minutes while the rest of the children finished the hike. UGH. OK...RANT.OVER. Love you.

  10. SweetPea did it and so did you! And there will be years when you wish this would come back - this age, this time and you will wish that you could travel back and do it again, so live in the moment and enjoy that you did it! I am so very proud you let her do it and that she had a great time. She will be grown one day and doing this all by herself. Hugs my friend.

  11. Awwww :( You made some very sweet memories and you've got the PICS to prove it!

    We go through the same thing with Kacey and shes almost 12. She doesnt want to spend the night away and I feel bad for even thinking about asking anyone other than me and hubby to take over night care for her. Those 2am shifts and lows are tough :( So what do we do? We suck it up...we smile...and we put on the brave Mommy face like we always do. Like you said, one day she will be grown and ready to be out on her own and I know we're gonna worry but we're secretly going to miss those middle of the night snuggles and caring for them all the time.

    BUT...that being said....the green eyed monster rears its ugly head every so often at our house too! :(

    Love ya bunches!! (((HUGS)))

  12. With two little girls that have Type 1 Diabetes, I have sadly had to face the jealousy monster... and not just over the date nights, but simple things like hearing how someone slept in on a Saturday morning or skipped dinner because they didn't feel like eating or took the scenic route just 'cuz. Sigh... spur of the moment, throw caution to the wind, is just not for us right now. That makes me a little jealous too.


  13. Awesome positive post. you rock!

  14. Aw me too, Jealous and I miss my husband too.

  15. You are amazing! I do the sleepovers too. I live the line about teaching them to live with diabetes. I'm going to remember that!

  16. Geez, girl. Are you on antibiotics like I am now? I just ran myself into the ground-it's so much work..but you did even MORE!! Yes, slightly crazy to do a sleepover, but I totally understand. LOVE the parade! Hahaha! totally appropriate. ; ) love you!

  17. I love those quote and I love you sharing this - it happens far too frequently for me, that green eyed monster...but then again, maybe it happens to others often over things we don't know about, too...hmmm. Have a lovely weekend :)


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