Thursday, January 21, 2010

Checking *MY* Blood Sugar

I've pricked my finger lots of times... I just never actually tested my own bg. Never really thought about it...

Maybe it was the fact that both of my parents have auto-immune diseases and now my daughter does, too.

Maybe it was the fact that I've been waking up DYING of thirst in the morning.

Maybe it was that my eyes have been really blurry lately.

Maybe it was that sometimes I wonder if I'm going to the bathroom more than normal.

It's all explainable - I need to change contacts, I'm drinking more water...

But....I've been thru this once.

So I tested. Prick, 1, 2, 3.....Beep!





86.


I don't have diabetes!


So why in that instant did I feel a little sad?


It's not like I WANT diabetes.


But...maybe it's because I that if I had it too, she wouldn't feel so alone. Or because sometimes I wish I really knew what it felt like.


Or because I wish it WAS me - and not her.


I've never asked, "Why us, God?" I always kinda felt like, "Why not us?". Even at first - I never questioned why this happened to our family.


But I do wonder - "Why HER? Why not ME?" God knows, I'd take it from her if I could. I wish it was ME instead.


Sometimes I still find that diabetes is bringing up emotions and feelings in me that I didn't know existed. It's still knocking me on my arse with the power of the emotions.


Emotions that make me feel like I might just fall apart all over again.


I was a mess in the hospital. I think I cried non-stop that first day. Then I sucked it up. I had to. I had to learn what to do to take care of my kid.


I kinda fell apart again about a week after we got home. I was so nervous and upset that I couldn't keep anything in my body. I remember laying in bed praying that God would give me strength to get up and face another day filled with finger sticks, carb counting, insulin shots, holding my child down while she screamed and cried, and trying to keep my "happy" face on so she wouldn't know how I really felt. But I sucked it up and I got on with it. I had to. I had to take care of my child.


Maybe this is all normal?


Maybe I feel this way because I never truly fell apart completely? I remember people telling me at first that I seemed so calm and together. I remember thinking, "Really? 'Cause I feel like I'm losing it inside!".


I don't know.


I try and have tried not to dwell on the negative. I try to keep on a happy face because I don't want Sweetpea to pick up on those feelings and then have a negative attitude of her own. Sure, I let it out here. This is my safe place to complain! But, negativity won't change anything for the better. It won't make the diabetes go away. It will just make us miserable. So I try to be positive and focus on the blessings!

Sometimes it catches me off guard. I'll be going along minding my own business and WHAM! I'm thinking of dx day. I look at a picture and think "How did I not see how sick she was?" I start to think about her future and what it will look like with diabetes... It sneaks up on me.


Maybe it's just the stages of grief. Maybe I'm still mourning my child's perfect health?

I don't know.

I'm looking forward to our year anniversary! Maybe then I'll be able to stop looking over my shoulder and being reminded of what 'last' year was like before D entered our lives.


I don't know!


What I do know is this: even when I've been knocked to the ground, yet again, by the powerful emotions of diabetes, I have a choice.


I can lay there and moan and cry. (Which at times, and for a short period of time, I believe is healthy.)


Or I can get up. I can acknowledge those feelings. And I can move on.


I saw a quote tonight that said, "Every true strength is gained through struggle." How true. How strong we are!


I may shed a few tears, but I'm getting up. And I'm moving into a bright future for myself AND my darling girl. How about you? 


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Life for a Child

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