I've pricked my finger lots of times... I just never actually tested my own bg. Never really thought about it...

Maybe it was the fact that both of my parents have auto-immune diseases and now my daughter does, too.

Maybe it was the fact that I've been waking up DYING of thirst in the morning.

Maybe it was that my eyes have been really blurry lately.

Maybe it was that sometimes I wonder if I'm going to the bathroom more than normal.

It's all explainable - I need to change contacts, I'm drinking more water...

But....I've been thru this once.

So I tested. Prick, 1, 2, 3.....Beep!





86.


I don't have diabetes!


So why in that instant did I feel a little sad?


It's not like I WANT diabetes.


But...maybe it's because I that if I had it too, she wouldn't feel so alone. Or because sometimes I wish I really knew what it felt like.


Or because I wish it WAS me - and not her.


I've never asked, "Why us, God?" I always kinda felt like, "Why not us?". Even at first - I never questioned why this happened to our family.


But I do wonder - "Why HER? Why not ME?" God knows, I'd take it from her if I could. I wish it was ME instead.


Sometimes I still find that diabetes is bringing up emotions and feelings in me that I didn't know existed. It's still knocking me on my arse with the power of the emotions.


Emotions that make me feel like I might just fall apart all over again.


I was a mess in the hospital. I think I cried non-stop that first day. Then I sucked it up. I had to. I had to learn what to do to take care of my kid.


I kinda fell apart again about a week after we got home. I was so nervous and upset that I couldn't keep anything in my body. I remember laying in bed praying that God would give me strength to get up and face another day filled with finger sticks, carb counting, insulin shots, holding my child down while she screamed and cried, and trying to keep my "happy" face on so she wouldn't know how I really felt. But I sucked it up and I got on with it. I had to. I had to take care of my child.


Maybe this is all normal?


Maybe I feel this way because I never truly fell apart completely? I remember people telling me at first that I seemed so calm and together. I remember thinking, "Really? 'Cause I feel like I'm losing it inside!".


I don't know.


I try and have tried not to dwell on the negative. I try to keep on a happy face because I don't want Sweetpea to pick up on those feelings and then have a negative attitude of her own. Sure, I let it out here. This is my safe place to complain! But, negativity won't change anything for the better. It won't make the diabetes go away. It will just make us miserable. So I try to be positive and focus on the blessings!

Sometimes it catches me off guard. I'll be going along minding my own business and WHAM! I'm thinking of dx day. I look at a picture and think "How did I not see how sick she was?" I start to think about her future and what it will look like with diabetes... It sneaks up on me.


Maybe it's just the stages of grief. Maybe I'm still mourning my child's perfect health?

I don't know.

I'm looking forward to our year anniversary! Maybe then I'll be able to stop looking over my shoulder and being reminded of what 'last' year was like before D entered our lives.


I don't know!


What I do know is this: even when I've been knocked to the ground, yet again, by the powerful emotions of diabetes, I have a choice.


I can lay there and moan and cry. (Which at times, and for a short period of time, I believe is healthy.)


Or I can get up. I can acknowledge those feelings. And I can move on.


I saw a quote tonight that said, "Every true strength is gained through struggle." How true. How strong we are!


I may shed a few tears, but I'm getting up. And I'm moving into a bright future for myself AND my darling girl. How about you? 

The Sorority

It's funny how I can be thinking about something and then someone else will blog about something very similar....which takes me in a different direction....and I end up with something even more thought out than what I started with.

This is one of those posts...

I'd been thinking about how all of the Blogging D Mommies have really created this totally awesome online family. We've got this amazing support group! Through blogs and Facebook we stay connected, share tips and advice, support one another....all the things that great friends and family do!

And then Meri posted about The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pancreata!  And that got me thinking....

We ARE a sisterhood. We're a sorority!

Alpha Delta Mu - Awesome D Mamas

Ok, so it's not a sorority that we chose to join willingly. The choice was made for us. But...

there are other similarities.

There was initiation. That day in the doctor's office when the pediatrician said, "Your child has diabetes". Our stories of that day are all different. But also very similar. The same fear and panic and sadness - or possibly just feeling numb. We all experienced it.

We all had a hell week of sorts. That week (it was a week for us) in the hospital getting your child stable and learning how to take care of her or him at home. Hell is the only way I could describe that week. Standing helplessly by while your child is poked and stuck and prodded and woke up every hour on the hour to check blood sugar. The overwhelming feeling of having to learn how to take care of your child - something you just took for granted before. Something you better learn to do right. No pressure. Hell. Plain and simple.

There is fun stuff, too!

Philanthropy - JDRF and other organizations that fund diabetes research. We participate in The Walk to Cure Diabetes. We even make t-shirts like the million I still have from EVERY SINGLE event we ever had in college. We wear them with pride.

Date Parties! Our weekly D chats are dates that are always on my calendar. It's so nice to talk to one another about diabetes - and life in general. Everyone is so willing to offer advice, a sympathetic ear, an endless supply of love and understanding!

See? We are like a sorority!

And you know what? I feel more connected to THIS sorority than I ever did my "other" sorority after 4 years of college!

And the Winner is....

Today we attended the JDRF Walk Awards Ceremony! Being new at this, we didn't know what to expect! But, we're up for anything involving JDRF so I thought we'd enjoy ourselves! Sweetpea always enjoys getting a chance to see and meet other children with Type 1!

We had a great time! There was a JDRF item raffle. We got raffle tickets when we arrived and were able to place them in boxes to win differet items. The theme this year was Dr. Seuss - One sneaker, Two Sneaker... So The Cat in the Hat was there along with Thing One and Thing Two! (Sweets was afraid of them!) There were treats and a popcorn machine - of which Sweetpea was a big fan!

But the best part was the awards ceremony!

I really thought that maybe we'd be recognized for walking and that would be it. Boy- was I wrong!

It started with the director asking all the Type 1 kids to raise their hands. Sweetpea was sitting on my lap in the back of the theater and her little hand shot right up! The director invited all the T1 kids down to stand on the stage.

I wasn't sure how Sweetpea would do with this! But she wanted to go down and went right up on the stage without me! She was definitely the littlest one there - and probably the youngest, too. She looked so cute standing there on the stage!

She was asked to help hand out one of the awards to the corporate sponsers! She did a great job!

Then they started handing out awards to the walk teams.

Our Team won the "Platinum Award for Top New Team"! Yipee!!! Sweetpea got a trophy for this! They even made her trophy purple to go with our purple walk shirts! She was soooooo excited! She has hardly put it down since!

Sweetpea also won a Golden Sneaker award for raising over $1,000 as an individual! She wasn't finished yet, though! Avery's Erasers won a special "JDRF Circle of Excellence Pin" for raising over $10,000. And.... Sweetpea won a special award for being "Rookie of the Year"!

We were just floored! We certainly did not expect this at all! Sweetpea was thrilled! She loved getting an award and being up on stage!

(On a side note, when our team won the Top New Team Award, the director asked me to say something. And she says, "Well, We can see what your inspiration was!" Oh geez. I did not expect this at all! So I started talking and only managed to get a sentence out before I started crying! What a goober! I felt like a big dork! But I pulled it together at the end, at least! Ugh! Darn emotions getting the better of me!)

It was a wonderful day! We are so thankful to all the people at our  JDRF chaper for organizing the walk and putting on such a super event that made my little diabetic feel so special! What a priceless gift! That is better than any trophy!

I also have to say a big THANK YOU again to everyone who walked with us and donated to our team! This would not have possible with you and your support! Our current total raised is somewhere over $13,000 - and we're expecting more with corporate matching! We are flabergasted at the generosity we have been shown. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

Our JDRF Walk is proud to have raised over $330,000 to help JDRF find a cure for diabetes!

My heart is smiling today! Thank you!

We Love Our Pump: The Animas Ping

  Sweetpea and "Fuzzy" the Wonder Pump!

Sweetpea continues to love her pump! This picture shows her with her pump pouch on! We were fortunate enough to get some awesome pouches from a friend whose daughter had outgrown them. They are darling and Sweetpea just loves them!

This is Sweetpea and Ruby! Ruby has diabetes - just like Sweetpea! She went to the hospital to get her pump attached the same day that Sweetpea did!

Ruby has her own pump pouch and her own insulin pump!

This shows Ruby's site. This is great for Sweetpea to see exactly what is going on and what we're going to do to her. For some reason, she doesn't like the "click" it makes when the catheter is inserted into the site. She's really nervous that it will hurt. So - she has to see me attach Ruby's pump - WITHOUT CLICKING - before she's ready to have it done herself.

This is Ruby's pump. It is exactly like Sweetpea's! Ruby has a PING, too!

I made this by using one of her actual sites. The pump was made by taking a picture of the real pump and uploading it to the computer. Then I printed it out on this fabric sticker stuff. I attached that to a Trident gum pack to make the pump. The pump pouch is an MP3 player holder that we found at Best Buy. Sweetpea saw it and said, "Look! Mommy! It's a little pump pouch!" I said, "Yes, it is! Let's buy it!" I was going to make one but this was much easier. I sewed ribbon onto it and it closes with velcro.

I hoped I wasn't going to all this trouble for something she wouldn't even really like! Luckily, she really likes it and it's serving it's intended purpose!

Sweetpea is still nervous about site changes. Ironically, the actual insertion is about the easiest part! She does not like being unhooked, she does not like putting on the cream and insists on helping, she does not like covering the cream and REALLY does not like taking the bandage off the cream! She does not like being hooked back up and she does not like taking the old site off.

Now, she says that NONE of this hurts. She knows it doesn't hurt. She's just really nervous about it. I'm hoping that it will get better each time until she's an old pro. Let's see....it took 5 months to get used to the shots....ugh! Let's hope it's not that long!

The other night I was trying to get the old site off and she was throwing a mild fit. She says, "OUCH! My website hurts!" I was laughing so hard I had to stop! She continues to call it her "website". Too funny! And it's too cute to correct so we just let her call it that!

All in all, the pump has been a great experience! We are loving the freedom of no more shots, syringes, etc, etc. Her numbers have been pretty good, too. She's actually a little more stable than she was before we started. I am hoping to see this trend continue!

Now, if I could just sleep through the night....!