You know, I almost didn't post about this...

I mean, I've posted before about the Green Eyed Monster.

But then Reyna wrote about it.  And I thought "SAME".

So here I am.  To share with you MY story of jealousy.

Let's go back a week...  Our JDRF Walk to Cure Diabetes was on Saturday.  (Pics and possibly a video to come... but I'm STILL recovering...)

Well, AFTER the walk Sweets had been invited to a birthday party.  And not just ANY birthday party.

Nope.

A SLUMBER PARTY!

I know, you're thinking that I am totally, completely, 100% insane to do a slumber party after the walk.  It wasn't supposed to happen that way.  The party was supposed to have been the week before but kids get sick and people are busy and so the party was after the walk.

Sweets was SUPER EXCITED about this!  This was a SURPRISE slumber party for 3 of her very dear friends.

Are you confused?

Let me explain....  One of MY dear, dear, best friends has 3 kids.  ALL born in late September or early October.  One is 8.  One is 6.  One is 2.  So she had one big, get-r-done party for all the kids!  I thought that sounded like a wonderful idea!

Sweets loves ALL  of these kiddos - but especially the 6 year old.  She and He are best buds.  They say they are getting married.  He's the one who said that he wished she didn't have diabetes.  I love these kids like they are my own, too.  So that just added to our excitement!

Now, I had no problem spending the night.  You knew I was going to, right?!?  I mean Sweets has never spent the night anywhere without me.  ANYWHERE.  But this is my best friend we're talking about here - so it's not like I minded hanging out!  I did not!

However...

The parents all hung around for awhile for dinner and presents and cake.  We are all friends, too.  They are a fun bunch.

But there it was.

Jealousy.

The parents are all talking about what they are going to go do once they leave.

Go to dinner.
Go to a movie.
Sleep.
Spend time together.

And I just could not help it.

All that kept going through my head was.... must be nice.

And I just HATE feeling that way!

But.... Oh My Gosh.

There I was.... I'd just organized our walk team and walked 3 miles that morning in our JDRF Walk.  On top of also running the JDRF Advocacy booth, signing up new advocates, getting people to sign our petition for a JDRF license plate, and encouraging people to add to our chain of links that we're taking to Congress.

I.   WAS.   EXHAUSTED.

How much would I have liked to have a little down time?
How much would I have liked to have been able to spend some time with my husband?!?

I can't tell you the last time J and I got out on our own.  I'm thinking it MAY have been for our anniversary in July... but I don't know.  We barely see each other anymore.  We communicate on the phone because he leaves for work before we get up and once we're home from school it's busy, busy, busy until bed.  Just trying to spend time with her and keep the house running and getting work done...  It's crazy.

I miss my husband.

How much would I have liked to have been able to go home and sleep.  All night.  No worries.

I can't tell you how hard it was to sit there and listen to all the chatter.

But what choice did I have?

There was no way I could have left Sweets alone.  I would NOT leave my friend in charge of T1 AND 11 kids.  And honestly, Sweets would not have stayed if I had not stayed.  She doesn't like to be away from me at bedtime.  And that has nothing to do with D.

And there was NO WAY that Sweets was not going to get to experience this sleepover.  NO WAY.

So....  I sucked it up.

I had a good time watching the little ones and getting them all tucked into their sleeping bags.  I enjoyed watching their sweet little faces as one by one they drifted off to sleep.  I had fun eating pizza and talking with my super wonderful friend once all the kids were ASLEEP!

It was a crazy night.... of course.  I treated more than one low.  The 2 year old somehow ended up sleeping with me on the couch (so sweet!).  Sweets and her buddy were awake and whispering at 6 am.  Then they were organizing a parade - complete with a drum set and tambourine - through the living room around 7:30.

But you know....

As much as it stings.  As much I'd give my right arm for a little down time.  As much as I so want to spend some time alone with my husband.  As much as I NEED SLEEP....

I have some pretty awesome memories that the parents who went home don't have.

Like this....

And I just keep reminding myself that sooner or later Sweets will be grown up.  It won't be long before she won't want me around.  Before I know it she's going to be handling this on her own.

So, for this season, I may not get the "breaks" that other parents get. I may not get the nights out.  I might not get the sleep.  I might not get the date nights.  I might not ever be able to just leave my kid at someone else's house without major planning and worry.

But I get the memories.
And I get the satisfaction that Diabetes did not win.  It did not keep my girl from being a kid.
And I get the pleasure of knowing that I am teaching Sweets how to LIVE with diabetes.  How to do whatever it takes.  How she can be just like everyone else.

Yeah... I'm still jealous at times.  But I know that my life and the life of my family is just different from "everybody else".  Not better.  Not worse.  Just different.

And I keep reminding myself of this...

Thank You from the Bottom of my Walking Shoes

Oh man.... has it really been a WEEK since I last posted?!?

Well, we ROCKED THE WALK this weekend! 

It was a little uncertain there for awhile...

On Thursday, Sweets went home from school early. Throwing up. With strep.

I had a cold all week... And finally lost my voice pretty much totally on Thursday.

My parents were supposed to pick up our shirts Thursday night. Only they weren't ready. Luckily my Mom... Put her foot down... And they were ready. Late - but done.

This combined with the sickness made delivering our shirts pretty much impossible.

Oh... And the shirts had bubblegum pink printing instead of HOT PINK. They are still cute... But...

Then Sweets moaned and cried all night long. Poor baby.

And the forecast called for RAIN and COLD.

BUT...

By Saturday, my voice was back. And so was her energy! The rain stayed away. It wasn't too cold. The shirts looked great. Lots of friends and family came to share the day.

And the walk was a success!

A BIG THANK YOU to everyone who walked with us and donated to our team and supported us in all different ways. Because of you, the day was great! You make my girl feel like a princess! And for that, I am forever grateful!

Walk day is such a special time...

Sweets looks forward to it all year! She loves being with friends and family- all wearing the same shirts and walking for HER. She just BEAMS! And it's so important to her that people come. You might think she wouldn't pay attention.... But she does. One of her teachers and her teachers aide came and she was thrilled beyond belief! Of course, she loves having her buddies there! But she honestly looks for each person!

I love walk day!

I love the excitement. I love seeing all those people coming together for the same cause.

It's exciting and emotional all at the same time! Seeing our family and friends there to support us... I don't have words to express how much it means to us. Then combining that with all these other families doing the same thing.... And walk day is also starting to become a day where I get to see friends - other Mamas living this D life, other Mamas who get it (and Papas, too!), others who understand. It's just a special day!

We still are collecting money... So our total is not confirmed yet... But we will have raised at least.....

$13,000

That blows me away.

The generosity our family and friends continue to shower on us - and on all of us living with D, is simply astounding. My heart just overflows... We are truly touched by each donation - no matter how large or small. It's the kindness that matters. And it's just amazing!

You know, it's about more than raising money.
It's more than raising awareness.
It's more than the good times.
It's more than the cute shirts.

It's about a CURE.

It's about giving my little girl the best shot possible at a long, healthy life.

That is what it boils down to for me.

It's about Sweets. Keeping her healthy and alive for a long, long time.

And it's about your kids, too. It's about you.

So.... Thank You.

Thank you for your support.
Thank you for your donation.
Thank you for walking with us.
Thank you for reading.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for getting involved.
Thank you for helping make our dreams come true.

Thank you for loving us.

Haunted

It's been a rough few days.  D wise.

We Had TWO birthday parties on Sunday.  And she was HIGH.

As in HI!  I hate it when the meter greets you that way.  New pod because I accidentally took the old one off trying to take of something else...  Changed bed sheets and nightclothes around 11pm.  Soaked.  She came down overnight.  But she was high as a kite most of the day.  Corrections didn't seem to touch it.  Number down to do massive rage bolusing.  New pod just as a precaution.

We're all tired here.  Tired of fighting this fight.  Whether it be on the sidelines or as the actual fighter.

Just tired of D.

But that's not the only reason it's been a rough go of it.

It's the blue candles.

You know what that means.   It means another life was cut short due to type 1 diabetes.

I'm going to be honest with you.  I hope you don't think I'm horrible....

But sometimes I just can't go there.

I see the candles....  I say prayers for the child and the family.  But I really try to not dwell on it.  I try to not find out exactly what happened.  I try to put up a wall... and not let it into to my life.  Or my heart.

I mean, it's not that I don't know it can happen.  I know.


It's not that I don't care. Please understand... It's not even close to that...

It's more like sometimes when I see the candles I can feel myself putting on my armor so it doesn't get to me.  Because sometimes I just know if I'm not strong enough to handle it.

But this time...

This time was different.

I don't know why....

This time I didn't get the armor on fast enough, I guess.

And this one is haunting me.

This one is really getting to me.

I hate the way that sounds....  Like other deaths didn't bother me in the least.  It's so not that...

This one... this one hit way too close to home.

I'm not going to use any names.  I don't know this family. I don't know what happened.  I only know what I read on facebook from posts.  I don't claim to have totally accurate or correct information.

But what I read was that a 14 year old girl passed away after a low blood sugar and a seizure at night.  She was unable to be revived.

I kid you not.  If I had been standing up when I read this, I would have fallen to my knees.

This could have been us.

Easily.

That is what happened to us.

I felt this wave of sheer terror wash over me...  And this overwhelming feeling of grief.

I am so incredibly heartbroken for this family.  I'm not sure I have the words to convey this...  We who live this crazy D life are a family.  None of us asked for this...  But here we are.

And the truth is, this could have been any of us.

But for me...  for us... I had a flashback.

I remember so clearly that night in April when Sweets blood sugar crashed and the meter read LO and she seized.  I remember holding her on the floor in the upstairs hallway.  I remember calling 911 and begging them to please hurry.  I remember praying to God to please, please don't take my baby.

Why?

Why wasn't it us?  Why was it this girl?  What happened that one child survived and one did not?

Was it just luck?

What if our luck runs out?

No one has any answers.  This is just life with Diabetes...

There is always that fear.  That little bit of fear that is a slight undercurrent to our lives.  Sometimes we feel it's pull stronger than others.

I feel that this is a rambling post... but that is just where I am tonight.  All over the place.  And hurting.  Hurting for my child.  Hurting for myself.  Hurting for all us.  But mostly, hurting for this family that I've never met... this family who lives across the country...  who is living my worst nightmare.

What can we do?

We can LIVE.

That's really all I've got.  We can LIVE LIFE.  And we can live it WELL.

We can refuse to let the fear paralyze us.

We can continue to defy the odds.  We can continue to raise money.  We can continue to advocate.  We can continue to support and love each other.

And we can promise that we will never forget.

We will never forget the reason why we do all this.

As our walk is approaching this weekend, I find that my resolve is strengthened.

And I know that I do what I do not only for my child.  But for yours.  And for those who are no longer able.

My Turn at 30

In honor of Invisible Illness week... and because everyone else is doing it...  Here is my list of 30. 

1. The illness I live with is:  Type 1 Diabetes.  Sweets is the one who HAS Type 1.  But we all live with it.

2. Sweets was diagnosed with it on:  April 27, 2009 at 3 years and 1 month old.

3. Sweets had symptoms since:  Hmmm....  She was sick A LOT the previous winter.  I started noticing the soaked diapers, thirst, and irritability a couple of months before - probably around late January or February.  Noticed weight loss in March.  The two days before her diagnosis, she was throwing up.  Boy, writing this makes me feel like a really stellar Mom.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:   Living with no sleep. I'm someone who needs a good, solid 8 hours of sleep each night. I can't remember the last time I slept for 8 hours without having to get up at least once or twice.

5. Most people assume:  I know what I'm doing. I try - but D throws you curve balls that you don't expect and each day is a learning experience where you just try your best and then hope for the best!

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Getting up. It's the sleep thing. I'm so tired. Mornings have always been hard. Now they are impossible. Getting up, dressed, getting her up, dressed, tested, fed, bloused, and to school on time is quite a feat.

7. My favorite medical TV show is:   I don't watch medical shows. Too much real life medical. I prefer crime dramas like The Closer or funny stuff like Modern Family or How I Met Your Mother or anything on HGTV.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:   The Omnipod! I could not live without her insulin pump! And the Omnipod is the pump and meter all in one! LOVE IT!

9. The hardest part about nights are:  The fear. It seems worse at night. Maybe it's because you don't have eyes on them or something? I hate it when I'm so exhausted and NEED to sleep but I'm too afraid to let myself because I don't know whats going to happen or her number is too low or.....

10. Each day Sweets takes ___ pills & ____ vitamins:   Insulin. Just insulin.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Get really, really offended when people suggest that if she would just eat more cinnamon or less carbs or take some herb or vitamin or whatever she would be cured. I want to scream, "Don't you think if it was that easy that we would have tried it already?!?"

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Invisible. At least you can hide it if you want to. It presents it's own sets of problems but at least you have the choice.

13. Regarding working and career: I work. I'm a teacher. And it's really, really hard to balance it. It's really hard to teach AND manage D at school - although I'm blessed to be able to do it. We make it work. We have to- I carry the insurance!
As for Sweets...  She will be whatever she sets her mind on.  Right now she says she wants to be a teacher in the morning and a doctor in the afternoon.  Which is funny because that is EXACTLY what I said I wanted to be at her age.  Only she wants to be an endocrinologist and I had no idea what that was at her age.  Lucky me.

14. People would be surprised to know: That Jason probably worries more than I do. Especially at night.

15. The hardest thing to accept about Sweetpea's new reality has been: That it isn't going away. And no matter how perfect I do things, it can still go horribly wrong. No matter how hard I try, I can't control this disease.

16. Something I never thought Sweets could do with her illness that she did was:   I don't know. I have always believed that she could do anything. We flew to Florida two months after dx. It was a challenge - but it was great and we totally rocked it!

17. The commercials about Sweetpea's illness: What commercials? Unless I'm watching D Life, all I see are commercials about Type 2. She doesn't have Type 2, thankyouverymuch.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:  My favorite quotes change all the time with whatever is going on in our lives.  Here are few favorites...

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: You Can Do This! And you WILL do this. It never really gets easier.... YOU just get better. And you may not believe me now, but you will. Trust me.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: The generosity that people show to us. Whether it's raising money or offering to help... It's overwhelming! I am surprised how every Type 1 I know is just plain AMAZING. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. They are all incredible people - full of grace and strength. And finally, I'm surprised at how strong I am. I never would have guessed it...

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when he wasn’t feeling well was: People sent her gifts when we were in the hospital. I really don't think they knew how much it meant to all of us. It was wonderful to have the distraction of a gift and something new to do and play with. It was definitely a gift from the heart.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: It's important. It's important for people to learn that our kids might not look sick.... And they aren't sick.... But they deal with things that would blow your mind.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Happy. Honored. Understood.