Ostrich Pose

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I've been pretending to be an ostrich.

You know...  sticking my head in the sand and pretending that I can't hear or see what's going on. 



Specifically, diabetes.

As I've mentioned before I'm a little burned out on D.

We all go through phases in the crazy life... and this is where I am at right now.

I've got my head in the sand and, quite frankly, I like it there!

Maybe it has to do with the never ending tedium that life with diabetes brings.  One bg test blends into another and another...  I bolus and five minutes later forget the amount I've given her before the meal.  The numbers are all running together.  Site change day pops up before I can blink. 

It's this constant ride on the Merry-Go-Round and I've been feeling a bit nauseous.

Maybe it's had to do with our recent visit to the endocrinologist. 

I usually LIKE going to see our endo.  She is so nice and kind and so helpful.  But I was seriously dreading this last one. 

Three months ago, her A1c was not where I wanted it to be.  And I was very frustrated because it was also NOT what our meter was saying her average was.  Getting that A1c felt like a kick in the stomach.  After all of our hard work.... all the tweaking, all the monitoring, all the testing...  For what felt like nothing.

Now, our endo thought it was a good A1c and she was happy.  But not me.  Nope.  I wanted better.  I KNEW it could have been, should have been better. 

So last week.... I was nervous.  Would we see the change that we expected???

And it wasn't just that.  Sweetpea has had high cholesterol since her diagnosis.  At first, it was attributed to her huge consumption of cheese - her favorite "free" food to eat while she was on shots.  But it didn't come down.  So test and after test... no change. 

We met with the dietitian.  She had no recommendations for diet change.  She thought Sweets was eating a very healthy and balanced diet.  Her only suggestion was to try plant sterols... found in some butter, orange juice and other items.  Only problem there is that she doesn't eat butter.  We don't serve OJ because it SPIKES her bg.  And she wouldn't eat any of the other foods - IF we could even find them!

After her test 6 months ago, our endo said that if it was still high she was going to refer us to cardiology.

Now, I know this is not a big deal.  But my heart just sank.  Really?  Cardiology and Lipid Clinic for my SIX year old?!?  While I'm thankful that they keep such a close eye on her, the thought of adding another specialist to the list just was not appealing. 

So I worried.  And stewed.  And I stressed. 

I looked like this...



But, thankfully, the results came back and her A1c was down .6 and her cholesterol was FINALLY in normal range!  WOOT!!!!  Now, to be honest, I have no idea how... we did no changes to her diet.  And we did nothing different bg wise either.  But I'll take it!

In fact, I had no idea how stressed and worried I was until we got the results and it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders!  But for quite awhile, my head was firmly planted in the sand.  I didn't want to talk A1c.  I didn't want to talk cholesterol. 

(Let me take a minute to just say that I went back and forth about posting her actual A1c...  And I decided not to.  I don't think it's wrong if you DO post the A1c... and I actually DID post it on facebook...  It's just that each person is so different and unique.  One person might get a 7.0 A1c through little effort and another might get a 7.0 A1c through an INCREDIBLE amount of effort.  One person might have a 7.0 and it would show fantastic control.  While in another person, it might show WAY too many lows.  And I just chose 7.0 as a random number...  It's like comparing apples and oranges.  So I chose not to post ours.  Because one number is just that.... one number.  Our number.)

I also think I've been keeping my head buried because Friday will be Sweetpea's 3 year Diaversary.

Three years. 

The first year felt like a celebration. The second.... well, we were in the ER and admitted... this one... I'm kinda numb. 

I have certain feelings about it and we are not ignoring it...  I just haven't wanted to deal with it before I absolutely HAD to.  So I haven't.

And then there's been me trying to take better care of myself and exercise.  And that has often left me with a decision... Do I blog or do I work out?  Because it's usually almost 10pm and I don't have time for both.  

I guess it's felt like there's been this big, dark, cloud over us and I'm trying to pretend it isn't there.  Maybe if I don't look up, the tedium, the A1c's, the cholesterol, the anniversaries, the numbers, the tests, the supplies, the fear, the anxiety... all of it will disappear. 

It's a phase.  I can already see the tides are changing a little... 

Before I can blink I'll be back in the swing of things...

But I just may keep a little bottle of sand close by... just in case I need an escape!




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10 comments:

  1. After reading yours and Meri's posts I am feeling bad for posting Joe's A1C...oy.

    Totally get the Ostrich. Been there...still there sometimes. GREAT job on all of your hard work Hals. xo

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    1. Oh, Reyna! Don't feel bad! I don't mean to say that it's a bad thing to post the number. It's not. I just hate for people to compare numbers when it's really hard to compare! Some people work their asses off for a 9 or 10. And others can do the same amount of work and see a 6. I just think that is something people should take into consideration - especially if they are new to the game! You are awesome! Don't feel bad!

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  2. I see your pt about not knowing whether to post an A1C...you don't want to discourage people, or hate you if you did well...at the same time, sometimes it's good to post just so parents know what kind of range they can expect...all of our a1cs have been fine, not stunning or horribly disappointing -- in other words, not polemic, so I've always posted away.

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    1. Sounds like ours... nothing incredible either way. I'll take it!

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  3. I understand exactly What you mean! I work tremendously hard to keep my numbers in check and sometimes it pays off in the 5's range but then the next 3 months it changes for the worse despite no changes in my efforts of care. It is a winning a losing battle and while a lower A1C might seem great, it really shows that I am getting more lows to counteract the highs and so averaged together the A1 C comes out fab. My endo is amazing because she looks past my numbers and has no problem telling me like it is. I went last week and she was not worried about the highs at all but, more the lows. She said that the dangerous lows makes me hypoglycemic unaware, and will kill me way faster. Best quote she gave me is " no one is going to care about your great A1C's if you are in the hospital for it or dead" Blunt I know but, I needed to hear that. I needed that wake up call, Slap in the face? yes but worth it if I take care of the problem.

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    1. I like that... so true. It won't matter if your A1c is 5.0 if you are dead because it took lots of lows and hypo unawareness to get there. True Dat, Doc!

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  4. Nice post, thank you for the time for writing

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  5. That's the thing - so often we feel defined by that A1c number, no matter how high or low it may be based on what we think it should be. That's just one of the many uncertainties. Know that it will go up and down sometimes no matter what, and so what you are doing has to be good enough. Ya'll are doing great, and don't let that number make you think differently!

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  6. I just found your blog tonight I and wanted to thank you for being "real". We are few months past our 1 year anniversary and at times it seems like its still so hard to deal with. Others try to understand but unless they have been there they really don't. If I understand correctly your daughter is 6...so is mine. It helps to be able to read about someone else who is going through this too. Its definitely not an easy road but I know we can handle it, with God's help! Anyway, just wanted to let you know you were an encouragement to someone tonight...thank you.

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  7. I am happy for you! I loved reading this. The happy lower-cholesterol surprise at the end totally makes up for me having a new problem to worry about. I've been encouraging cheese--maybe I'll pedal that back!

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