I've been pretending to be an ostrich.
You know... sticking my head in the sand and pretending that I can't hear or see what's going on.
As I've mentioned before I'm a little burned out on D.
We all go through phases in the crazy life... and this is where I am at right now.
I've got my head in the sand and, quite frankly, I like it there!
Maybe it has to do with the never ending tedium that life with diabetes brings. One bg test blends into another and another... I bolus and five minutes later forget the amount I've given her before the meal. The numbers are all running together. Site change day pops up before I can blink.
It's this constant ride on the Merry-Go-Round and I've been feeling a bit nauseous.
Maybe it's had to do with our recent visit to the endocrinologist.
I usually LIKE going to see our endo. She is so nice and kind and so helpful. But I was seriously dreading this last one.
Three months ago, her A1c was not where I wanted it to be. And I was very frustrated because it was also NOT what our meter was saying her average was. Getting that A1c felt like a kick in the stomach. After all of our hard work.... all the tweaking, all the monitoring, all the testing... For what felt like nothing.
Now, our endo thought it was a good A1c and she was happy. But not me. Nope. I wanted better. I KNEW it could have been, should have been better.
So last week.... I was nervous. Would we see the change that we expected???
And it wasn't just that. Sweetpea has had high cholesterol since her diagnosis. At first, it was attributed to her huge consumption of cheese - her favorite "free" food to eat while she was on shots. But it didn't come down. So test and after test... no change.
We met with the dietitian. She had no recommendations for diet change. She thought Sweets was eating a very healthy and balanced diet. Her only suggestion was to try plant sterols... found in some butter, orange juice and other items. Only problem there is that she doesn't eat butter. We don't serve OJ because it SPIKES her bg. And she wouldn't eat any of the other foods - IF we could even find them!
After her test 6 months ago, our endo said that if it was still high she was going to refer us to cardiology.
Now, I know this is not a big deal. But my heart just sank. Really? Cardiology and Lipid Clinic for my SIX year old?!? While I'm thankful that they keep such a close eye on her, the thought of adding another specialist to the list just was not appealing.
So I worried. And stewed. And I stressed.
I looked like this...
But, thankfully, the results came back and her A1c was down .6 and her cholesterol was FINALLY in normal range! WOOT!!!! Now, to be honest, I have no idea how... we did no changes to her diet. And we did nothing different bg wise either. But I'll take it!
In fact, I had no idea how stressed and worried I was until we got the results and it felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders! But for quite awhile, my head was firmly planted in the sand. I didn't want to talk A1c. I didn't want to talk cholesterol.
(Let me take a minute to just say that I went back and forth about posting her actual A1c... And I decided not to. I don't think it's wrong if you DO post the A1c... and I actually DID post it on facebook... It's just that each person is so different and unique. One person might get a 7.0 A1c through little effort and another might get a 7.0 A1c through an INCREDIBLE amount of effort. One person might have a 7.0 and it would show fantastic control. While in another person, it might show WAY too many lows. And I just chose 7.0 as a random number... It's like comparing apples and oranges. So I chose not to post ours. Because one number is just that.... one number. Our number.)
I also think I've been keeping my head buried because Friday will be Sweetpea's 3 year Diaversary.
The first year felt like a celebration. The second.... well, we were in the ER and admitted... this one... I'm kinda numb.
I have certain feelings about it and we are not ignoring it... I just haven't wanted to deal with it before I absolutely HAD to. So I haven't.
And then there's been me trying to take better care of myself and exercise. And that has often left me with a decision... Do I blog or do I work out? Because it's usually almost 10pm and I don't have time for both.
I guess it's felt like there's been this big, dark, cloud over us and I'm trying to pretend it isn't there. Maybe if I don't look up, the tedium, the A1c's, the cholesterol, the anniversaries, the numbers, the tests, the supplies, the fear, the anxiety... all of it will disappear.
It's a phase. I can already see the tides are changing a little...
Before I can blink I'll be back in the swing of things...
But I just may keep a little bottle of sand close by... just in case I need an escape!