Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Whole Truth

There's a little more to the story about why I haven't really blogged in a month.

MOST of it was because we were sick and J was working. That's about 90% of the reason.

But there's another reason, too.

I can't really name it. I'm not sure how exactly to describe it. It's just a phase in our life with diabetes that also kept me from the blogging world.

We go through different phases living with this disease.

Sometimes it's all consuming and seems to take up all of your brain space.
Sometimes it's so frustrating you want to scream and bang your head against the wall.
Sometimes it is annoying - majorly or minorly.
Sometimes it makes you angry.
Sometimes it makes you sad.
Sometimes it leaves you feeling numb.
Sometimes no matter what you do, you don't see the result you wanted.
Sometimes everything goes right and you have no idea why.
Sometimes you feel afraid.
Sometimes you feel depressed.
Sometimes you feel guilty.
Sometimes you feel all of it.
And sometimes you feel nothing.
Sometimes it doesn't get to you.
Sometimes it does.
Sometimes you want to hide it.
Sometimes you want it to go away.
Sometimes it just IS.

I've been in a phase where diabetes just IS. It's just a part of our lives.

It hasn't been ruling my thoughts. It hasn't been ruling my emotions.

We do what we have to do... we still count carbs and bolus and test... But I haven't tweaked in a while. Haven't really had to. Not that her numbers have been perfect. They haven't been perfect. But they haven't been awful either. She hasn't complained much. It hasn't seemed to rule our lives.

 It just IS.

I haven't been in love with D. But I haven't hated it, either.

Ambiguous. I've been really ambiguous.

And I haven't felt much like talking about it.

I know it won't last forever. I know I'll need to tweak here soon. I know something will change and we'll get thrown back into the crazy waves of emotion that go with this disease. I know there is a lot I still have to say about this disease.

Maybe it's been my way of just not dealing with it.

We can't ever just QUIT diabetes. But we can refuse to let it rule us. Rule our lives and thoughts. We can focus on other things. 

I think that is healthy. Even if our attitudes about diabetes are super healthy and our focus is positive and we work hard to enrich the lives of those living with disease.... we still need to take a break from time to time.

Just like Sweets is not ONLY a person with diabetes, I am not ONLY the mother of child with diabetes.

There's more to me than that.

I don't always get to explore those other sides of myself. A lot of those sides have practically disappeared. Some of them may be gone forever. And some might just need a little kick to rise to the surface again.

I guess this phase has been a kick for me to look for those other pieces. Maybe I'm just now ready to go there.

It may not last. I know that.

It's just another phase on this crazy journey we call life with type 1 diabetes.



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4 comments:

  1. I've been blogging very little in the past few months for this very same reason. :) You deal with diabetes all the time, no matter what. But sometimes the need to write and speak about it is just less. I understand completely. It's not that diabetes goes away or becomes less consuming. It's more of a mindset change. :) I look forward to seeing you blogging more again, even if it isn't for a while. Either way, I "get it." :)

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  2. I know all about not having much to say about it because it just is. Sometimes it's better to let it do its thing in the background while you attend to other things. We never really get a break from diabetes, but at least it offers us something of a reprieve on occasion :)

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  3. You're a smart young woman Hallie. I like how you see things for what they are. Not everyday is going to be the same and even when they are that doesn't mean you will feel the same about them. You're allowing yourself to see and understand and that shows great knowing skills. I admire that. P.S. Dad received your birthday card today and just loved the kitty. Probably as much as Avery did :) Please tell her for me she made a nice choice.

    gloria

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  4. It's scary how sometimes I think you have stolen my thoughts or secretly blog from inside my head. I feel exactly what your are going through! We even recently just switched to a pump which I thought for sure would put a fire back under me - but after blows of comments from friends feeling less then understanding I thought maybe that had caused me to feel ambiguous but I agree maybe that is just the throws of this life consuming disease that has caused us to shut doors on parts of our own lives for the time being till we can some days just go along living in the motions rather then letting the motions live our life.....I am so grateful for your blogging seldom or often it helps to know I am not alone I am not crazy and dangit this isn't easy. I do have a life to live and that life includes managing a sweet little girls dang disease! <3

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