There's a little more to the story about why I haven't really blogged in a month.
MOST of it was because we were sick and J was working. That's about 90% of the reason.
But there's another reason, too.
I can't really name it. I'm not sure how exactly to describe it.
It's just a phase in our life with diabetes that also kept me from the blogging world.
We go through different phases living with this disease.
Sometimes it's all consuming and seems to take up all of your brain space.
Sometimes it's so frustrating you want to scream and bang your head against the wall.
Sometimes it is annoying - majorly or minorly.
Sometimes it makes you angry.
Sometimes it makes you sad.
Sometimes it leaves you feeling numb.
Sometimes no matter what you do, you don't see the result you wanted.
Sometimes everything goes right and you have no idea why.
Sometimes you feel afraid.
Sometimes you feel depressed.
Sometimes you feel guilty.
Sometimes you feel all of it.
And sometimes you feel nothing.
Sometimes it doesn't get to you.
Sometimes it does.
Sometimes you want to hide it.
Sometimes you want it to go away.
Sometimes it just IS.
I've been in a phase where diabetes just IS.
It's just a part of our lives.
It hasn't been ruling my thoughts. It hasn't been ruling my emotions.
We do what we have to do... we still count carbs and bolus and test... But I haven't tweaked in a while. Haven't really had to. Not that her numbers have been perfect. They haven't been perfect. But they haven't been awful either. She hasn't complained much. It hasn't seemed to rule our lives.
It just IS.
I haven't been in love with D. But I haven't hated it, either.
Ambiguous. I've been really ambiguous.
And I haven't felt much like talking about it.
I know it won't last forever. I know I'll need to tweak here soon. I know something will change and we'll get thrown back into the crazy waves of emotion that go with this disease. I know there is a lot I still have to say about this disease.
Maybe it's been my way of just not dealing with it.
We can't ever just QUIT diabetes. But we can refuse to let it rule us. Rule our lives and thoughts. We can focus on other things.
I think that is healthy. Even if our attitudes about diabetes are super healthy and our focus is positive and we work hard to enrich the lives of those living with disease.... we still need to take a break from time to time.
Just like Sweets is not ONLY a person with diabetes, I am not ONLY the mother of child with diabetes.
There's more to me than that.
I don't always get to explore those other sides of myself. A lot of those sides have practically disappeared. Some of them may be gone forever. And some might just need a little kick to rise to the surface again.
I guess this phase has been a kick for me to look for those other pieces.
Maybe I'm just now ready to go there.
It may not last. I know that.
It's just another phase on this crazy journey we call life with type 1 diabetes.