"The best way to make God laugh is tell Him your plans"?
That pretty much sums it up today.
Today we were SUPPOSED to be spending the afternoon at a baseball game with JDRF. It was a Family Walk Team Rally. I was supposed to give a short speech and then talk to families about creating a walk video. Then we were supposed to enjoy a baseball game!
Instead, we spent the day on the couch with Sweetpea.
We have battling overnight basal rates. Back and forth across the tightrope we go.
She spent the night running a little high. Not CRAZY high - but high. And corrections were not bringing her down.
By morning, her blood sugar was 330.
But ketones were 3.2. In case you don't know the blood ketone conversion (and although they are expensive little buggers, I LOVE being able to test ketones with blood instead of urine. Not only is it more accurate, it's easier and less messy!) that translates to SUPER HIGH KETONES. Anything over 1.5 is high.
I woke this morning to Sweets poking my shoulder and saying, "Mommy.... I'm gonna throw up."
And she did.
She spent the morning retching into a bowl and laying on the couch. We did a pod change and a sub q correction. Her blood sugar started coming down pretty quickly. Ketones took longer.
Finally, this evening she showed only trace.
For Sweets to spend more than 15 minutes sitting down, you know she doesn't feel well. Poor girl was a sick cookie today.
We decided against calling the hospital. I know they would have heard ketones and throwing up and ordered us to the ER. We wanted to give it a shot (har har) at home before taking her in. The ER is a really crappy place to spend the day.
Even so, Sweets was really bummed to miss out on the baseball game and swimming with friends.
And that got me to thinking... how often does diabetes mess up our plans?
Of course, there are the days like today. The times when a ripped out site or high blood sugar or low blood sugar forces us to immediately change our plans. Whether it's eating something or going somewhere or doing whatever we had in mind.
But it's more than that....
What about the friend - or friends - that you were so certain you'd be close to forever? And one day you realize that you haven't spoken in weeks? Or months? Or years? And you WANT to change that and do something about it... but then you worry that they are mad at you for dropping off the face of the earth. Or you can't find their phone number. Or you'd have to arrange a sitter in order to go out and that's whole different problem. And you're just so darn tired... You say you'll do it tomorrow. And tomorrow always seems to be a day away.
What about your plans to have a bigger family? Another child? And now you don't know how you'd ever manage...
What about your dream of going back to school? Or going back to work? But then there's the issue of child care... And there isn't always someone willing to learn how to manage diabetes. And what if you didn't have enough time to focus on blood sugar patterns and changing rates and then your child suffered?
What about that vacation you were planning on taking? But now you have no one to watch your kids. Or you can't afford it because you spend so incredibly much on health care and supplies. Or you're too scared to travel with diabetes.
What about the job you want... You'd like to switch jobs but then what about the hours? Or the benefits? And you can't risk losing your insurance or your salary.
What about that get together with friends? But you haven't seen them in so long. What would you talk about? Your brain is so consumed with numbers and the lack of sleep has turned you into a mush mind. You're not sure you could string words together. And who would watch your child? Or if your child went, you think you'd just spend the entire night watching him and wouldn't enjoy yourself anyway. What if someone ask you how she's doing. And you just don't know what to say? And you're tired of saying "fine" because it's not exactly true but no one would really understand if you tried to explain it. And they probably all think you talk about diabetes way too much anyway.
Diabetes is like throwing a pebble into a pond. The ripples go on and on and on...
And it's hard because most of the people who were in your life BEFORE don't see all those ripples. They can't comprehend how those ripples end up touching every part of your life.
Those ripples push you out into the middle of the pond. And it's lonely there.
You had a life back on the shore but when you look back that seems like so long ago you really can't remember it. And you're different now anyway.
Luckily, there are other people in the pond. Other people fighting the ripples. Other people who know what it's like.
I wish I had some incredible words of wisdom.
But all I've got is this: I think there are times when we have to stand up to diabetes and say YOU WILL NOT RUN OUR LIVES. We're going to that party. We're taking that trip. We're having another baby. We're going back to school or work.
And there are times when it's ok to just say Well... change of plans. I'm going this way now and that's ok. You are welcome to join me - but I can't go back. This is just the way things are now. This is way it has to be.
So I'll leave you with some of my favorite quotes from Pinterest... Knowing that we are living the lives that God intended for us. And that only constant in life is change.