From this moment...
From this day forward...
Sweets will have lived longer WITH diabetes than WITHOUT.
She's 6 years old.
(For those of you wondering, J did the math. I assumed it would be her 3rd dx anniversary but he pointed out that it would be longer... Blah; blah, blah... Math, math, math... June 18, 2012. I, however, pointed that TECHNICALLY she had diabetes before she was diagnosed - probably before her third birthday looking back at those pics. So.... Whatever. Here we are!)
It's hard for me to put into words how I feel about that.
It makes me cry.
I hate it.
It's not fair.
She's SIX. She should focused on friends and playtime and dancing and Justin Bieber. Not shots and site changes and ketones and blood sugar.
It breaks my heart.
When I think about it, it makes me really sad.
And I grieve.
Because even though she is a wonderful, healthy, happy, active, independent, spunky child WITH diabetes (and quite possibly BECAUSE OF diabetes)... I grieve for the person she would have been without it.
The little girl who would not have been forced to grow up too fast. The one who knew nothing of carbohydrates. The one who didn't feel different. The one who didn't miss out on things due to being sick with large ketones and high blood sugar. The one who isn't used to having her flesh pierced everyday. Not used to seeing her own blood all the time. The one who has never been to a hospital and certainly doesn't know her way around more than one.
I'm her mother. I can grieve for THAT girl.
But the truth is, THAT girl doesn't exist.
Diabetes took her away from us three years ago. We will never know her. SHE will never know that part of herself. It disappeared so quickly, so silently that we didn't even know it was gone.
This fact isn't something I think of often. I just don't like it. So I push it into the dark corners of my mind and lock it away there.
No, that girl doesn't exist. And I'm ok with that because I'm pretty head over heels in love with the girl I've got! She's perfect the way she is!
what I choose to focus on instead is this...
She is ALIVE.
We are so BLESSED.
How did we spend this monumental day? Going to tennis lessons. Going out for chocolate chip waffles. Playing cars on the living room floor. Going swimming with wonderful friends who we know BECAUSE of diabetes.
Perfect, if you ask me!!
It wasn't that long ago that diabetes was a death sentence. And not only do we still have our little girl alive and thriving three years after her diagnosis, her future is bright and promising!
She IS only SIX.
Twelve more years and she's an "adult". College... On her own.... (scares the crap out of me, btw). But just think of all that has happened in diabetes management and care in the past 12 years. Who knows what's in store in the next?!?
We have HOPE.
I suppose the question is this...
Where do you put your emphasis?
From this day forward, Sweets has lived longer WITH diabetes than WITHOUT.
That makes me sad.
From this day forward, Sweets has LIVED LONGER with diabetes than without.
That one makes me want to celebrate!
From time to time, I have to come to terms with the first one. It seems to be a bit of a continual thing... A process...
But I just have to keep putting the emphasis on the living.
And the living is pretty darn spectacular.
Even with diabetes along for the ride.