I look in the mirror and what do I see?

A stranger staring back at me.

I seriously look in the mirror, on the days when I actually have enough time to look at myself, and I barely recognize the person looking back at me.

I'm a MESS.

What happened??

I've never been so tired in my life. That might be one factor. It's probably the cause of the dark circles and glazed eyes.

I gained about 10 pounds after dx. I know why. No time to work out. Stress. No sleep. Eating fast food. But it won't go away. I'm trying - really trying. And it's not working. I lost about 3 of those pounds and the rest are holding on for dear life. I am BEYOND frustrated with this. Eating less has always worked. Why not now?

This leads to my next problem... nothing fits. I am in serious trouble when it gets warmer. Break out the garbage bag, I guess.

People talk to me and I don't hear them. I have trouble forming complete, coherent thoughts.

I forget things. All. the. time.

I used to exercise like a maniac. Every day before I got married. Then a few times a week. Then, once Sweetpea was born, at least a couple times a week. Now - none.

I don't recognize the person I see.

And I can't help but think.... WHAT HAPPENED?

I used to be so cute. So put together. Hair, nails, makeup, outfit - everything. I miss that.

Now I'm lucky to get where I'm going. I've got a million and one thngs going on in my brain. You know the list... all that goes into taking care of a home, a family, working, everything involved in teaching 24 children to read and write, handling diabetes and it's ever changing demands...

It's all I can do to keep my head above water.

I know that once you have a family, things change. You no longer spend the time on yourself that you once did.

That's true - it's just so much WORSE this year.

I used to feel "put together". Now I feel "thrown together".

I know what happened. D happened. And it ran me over and never looked back.

It's almost been a year and I still feel like I'm just trying to piece back together the thing formerly known as my life. Some days I'm still in survival mode. Just trying to make it through. On those days, D rules. It's all I can think about. It keeps me busy and occupies my mind every second.

Some days are a little better. On those days, D is like a dull ache. You still know it's there but it's possible to forget about it for awhile. I like those days.

Maybe this, too, will get better in time? Maybe each day D will become a little more in the "background" of our lives. Not totally - I know that will not happen - and with D - It really CAN'T happen.

But maybe one day I'll find myself again. Maybe I'll lose the weight. Maybe I'll start doing some things for me. Maybe I'll start to recognize the person in the mirror.

I hope so.

Anyone else out there lost?

Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This

Momma said there'd be days like this - there'd be days like this, Momma said...

Well, actually, NO ONE ever told me there would be days like this! Good thing - I may have run screaming...

Actually, I'm not really speaking of today. I'm speaking of days in general. Days past and days to come... D days.

In the hospital, I clearly remember a nurse telling me that it would be ok. That Sweetpea would be ok. That she would "just require a little more care" than before.

HA! That was the understatement of the year!

It is so hard to wrap your head around this.... One moment I had (or thought I had) a completely healthy child. Everything was right in my world. And then...it wasn't. Then I was in a car riding down the interstate on the way to the hospital not knowing how my life was about to change forever. Not realizing that that day would forever divide my world into BEFORE and AFTER.

It just so darn complicated. And not just complicated in terms of handling dosing and numbers and stuff. That is an entirely different post.

Complicated in terms of the emotions.

Part of me feels like I just need to "get over it". To "suck it up" and move on. And I do. I do what I need to do to get through each day. I can't have a breakdown each time something doesn't go right, each time a number is too high or too low.

But it builds. Slowly. Until I just feel like I'm going to explode.

I guess maybe I thought I'd be over it by now. I mean, isn't everyone else???

Maybe I've just gotten to the place where I'm no longer in survival mode and starting to feel everything I pushed aside for so long...

Kelly posted a comment to me yesterday that really hit home with me. She talked about how the first year is just SO HARD. And how she felt she was grieving so much. And was so angry. She wrote a wonderful post today about remembering... Read it here.

She's so right. Maybe that's what is wrong with me. I think I'm fine. I think I'm handling it. And then....WHAM. Grief. Honest to goodness grief. Bring you to your knees grief. Over the life that was but is no more. Over lost health. Over seeing your child in pain. Over knowing that her life will be... more complicated... than you would have chosen.

And it's not that I don't see the silver lining. It's not that I can't see the GOOD. I can. I do.

But the grief is still there.

Kelly mentioned it being like a broken heart. She's right. Maybe that's why it hurts so much. My heart is broken.

They never mentioned this in the hospital. Never mentioned that diabetes isn't something that you just get under control and then forget. I assumed it was. WRONG. They conveniently left out the part about checking and changing and correcting and worrying pretty much each and every day until.... eternity.

Meri just wrote this awesome post about living on the edge. Check it out here. I think she must have been living in my head because she explained EXACTLY how I've been feeling. Like a swift wind will come by and knock me off. Like I'm not sure I can handle one.more.thing.

Living on the edge is scary. It's a long fall.

But, like Meri said, the view from the edge is breathtaking.

So, I'm going to acknowledge the grief and the pain. Instead of trying to shrug it off - I have to deal with it. Move through it. Get to the place where it's not so fresh.

But while I'm doing that, I've got to remember to take in the view..

.

Drama Queen

Diabetes - You are SUCH a drama queen!

I mean, really, do you have to go to such lengths to get noticed?

It's not like we ignore you. We think about you every hour of every day. Honestly, we probably think about you even more than that. We never neglect you. We always treat you the best way we know how. We stay up nights to check on you. We check on you countless times during the day. We plan for you. We pack extra things for you. We spend lots of money on you! We worry about you ALL the time. What more do you want?!?

Why must you act up like this?

It's inconsiderate. Plain and Simple.

We FINALLY get you under control for 2 wonderful days - and then you go crazy again with the ear infection. Fine, I get it. She's sick. But tell me this...

WHY, when a 20% temp basal increase didn't even touch you all day long, do you suddenly decide to drop? And not just drop... CRASH.

46.

She was SLEEPING. I had to wake her up and beg her to drink. I couldn't tell if she was just sleeping or if she was close to being passed out. She wouldn't talk. She wouldn't respond to me. It was freaky. Why must you scare us like that?

And then you decide to be good all night. Sort of. Hovering her right at 'low' - 80-100 all night long. Waking her up at a nice number of 130.

But can you stay good? Oh, no. Did you want more attention? Is that why you went up to 300 at lunch?

And THEN, as if THAT wasn't enough, you decide to CRASH again.

51.

What do you think does to a little girl's body?

And now, at bedtime, with 2 HOURS of IOB (insulin on board), you're hovering at 100.

What will you do? Will you go up? Will you hold steady? Will you go down?

Why can't you just let us get some sleep? Why can't you just play fair and leave us alone?

Get over yourself, diabetes.

Your temper tantrums are hurting a little girl. A little girl who didn't ask for you to join her life. A little girl who never did ANYTHING to you.

Why can't you just play nice?

But you know what, diabetes? It doesn't matter. You can do whatever you want. Because the joke's on you. You can act up all you want but you can't change this:

She's stronger than you. She had to have felt terrible today with the roller coaster ride you've taken her on. But did she show it? No. She continued to dance and sing and be the happy little girl we know and love. Ha. So there.

And we won't quit. We won't give up. We'll never stop. There's nothing you can do about it. We will continue to 'manage' you. You can keep throwing your tantrums and giving us all you've got. Go ahead. Because you WON'T break us. Not gonna happen.

So, diabetes, I've got just 2 words for you:

BRING. IT.

Checking *MY* Blood Sugar

I've pricked my finger lots of times... I just never actually tested my own bg. Never really thought about it...

Maybe it was the fact that both of my parents have auto-immune diseases and now my daughter does, too.

Maybe it was the fact that I've been waking up DYING of thirst in the morning.

Maybe it was that my eyes have been really blurry lately.

Maybe it was that sometimes I wonder if I'm going to the bathroom more than normal.

It's all explainable - I need to change contacts, I'm drinking more water...

But....I've been thru this once.

So I tested. Prick, 1, 2, 3.....Beep!





86.


I don't have diabetes!


So why in that instant did I feel a little sad?


It's not like I WANT diabetes.


But...maybe it's because I that if I had it too, she wouldn't feel so alone. Or because sometimes I wish I really knew what it felt like.


Or because I wish it WAS me - and not her.


I've never asked, "Why us, God?" I always kinda felt like, "Why not us?". Even at first - I never questioned why this happened to our family.


But I do wonder - "Why HER? Why not ME?" God knows, I'd take it from her if I could. I wish it was ME instead.


Sometimes I still find that diabetes is bringing up emotions and feelings in me that I didn't know existed. It's still knocking me on my arse with the power of the emotions.


Emotions that make me feel like I might just fall apart all over again.


I was a mess in the hospital. I think I cried non-stop that first day. Then I sucked it up. I had to. I had to learn what to do to take care of my kid.


I kinda fell apart again about a week after we got home. I was so nervous and upset that I couldn't keep anything in my body. I remember laying in bed praying that God would give me strength to get up and face another day filled with finger sticks, carb counting, insulin shots, holding my child down while she screamed and cried, and trying to keep my "happy" face on so she wouldn't know how I really felt. But I sucked it up and I got on with it. I had to. I had to take care of my child.


Maybe this is all normal?


Maybe I feel this way because I never truly fell apart completely? I remember people telling me at first that I seemed so calm and together. I remember thinking, "Really? 'Cause I feel like I'm losing it inside!".


I don't know.


I try and have tried not to dwell on the negative. I try to keep on a happy face because I don't want Sweetpea to pick up on those feelings and then have a negative attitude of her own. Sure, I let it out here. This is my safe place to complain! But, negativity won't change anything for the better. It won't make the diabetes go away. It will just make us miserable. So I try to be positive and focus on the blessings!

Sometimes it catches me off guard. I'll be going along minding my own business and WHAM! I'm thinking of dx day. I look at a picture and think "How did I not see how sick she was?" I start to think about her future and what it will look like with diabetes... It sneaks up on me.


Maybe it's just the stages of grief. Maybe I'm still mourning my child's perfect health?

I don't know.

I'm looking forward to our year anniversary! Maybe then I'll be able to stop looking over my shoulder and being reminded of what 'last' year was like before D entered our lives.


I don't know!


What I do know is this: even when I've been knocked to the ground, yet again, by the powerful emotions of diabetes, I have a choice.


I can lay there and moan and cry. (Which at times, and for a short period of time, I believe is healthy.)


Or I can get up. I can acknowledge those feelings. And I can move on.


I saw a quote tonight that said, "Every true strength is gained through struggle." How true. How strong we are!


I may shed a few tears, but I'm getting up. And I'm moving into a bright future for myself AND my darling girl. How about you?