Wow! I'm sitting down at the computer for the first time in what feels like weeks to blog!
I've missed this...
I need to share our stories with you.
I need to tell someone who understands. Someone who gets it.
Last time I posted, I shared a scary experience we had when we were in Florida dealing with a very stubborn low.
I was scared. Nervous.
It's been awhile since I felt like that...
J was scared, too. And so was my Mom.
What I didn't realize at the time was that Sweets was scared as well.
We woke her up to drink and eat. When she's that low, it's best to have her awake. If she is not fully awake it's hard to tell if she's lucid and she fights us with the eating a lot more because she just wants us to leave her alone. So Sweets was awake the entire hour and half. We were all sitting on our bed (It's two twins pushed together to make a King - the three of us share it in Florida because there are only 2 bedrooms.) watching TV. Mom and I took turns rubbing and scratching her back.
We do our very best to remain calm and appear to be calm in these situations.
We don't get upset. We don't raise our voices. We don't run around in a panic or voice any concerns out loud.
I thought we were doing a good job at this.
The next day, Sweets stayed with my parents for a couple of hours while J and I ran to the store.
We were gone about 2 hours. That's it.
All those Smarties finally kicked in and her bg skyrocketed to about 550 in the early morning hours. We had brought her back down only to miscalculate lunch carbs (totally my fault). So she was high while we were gone.
She beeped high and Mom checked her out. She was in the 300's and it had been a bit since lunch so she knew something was not right.
But that wasn't all.
SWEETS was not right. She was acting off due in part to having a high bg. But there was more to it than that.
They were talking and Sweets said something to them about her having a "heart attack" last night.
"What?" Mom asked. "A heart attack?"
"Yeah." Sweets replied. "I had a heart attack."
Mom reassured her that she did NOT have a heart attack and they discussed what a heart attack really is.
"Do you mean when you were low last night?" Mom asked. "Yeah - that's it." Sweets said.
Mom said that it was almost like she had a panic attack. When she beeped high and Mom didn't know what exactly to do to treat it, Sweets freaked out. She told Mom that she needed to her Mom and Dad right away and find out what to do. She said she was all a flutter and unable to relax. And she didn't really calm down until we got home.
When I heard this, I just felt the wind go out of my sails.
I try so hard to remain calm and serene and not let diabetes scare her. The only thing I had done that night that was even a little "un" calm was to tell her that she needed to sit up and eat the Smarties NOW - because she was telling me she was too tired and would eat them in the morning.
At the time she didn't appear to be worried or stressed. She watched a little Disney channel. She wanted to go to sleep. But that was it.
So it makes me wonder...
What else is she worried about that she's not sharing with us? Is she worried about diabetes? Does it scare her? Am I doing something that is causing her to be afraid?
I just don't know...
Sometimes I think that if all we had to deal with was the physical part of diabetes, it would be an easier disease to manage. It's the emotional part that brings me to my knees much more often.
It breaks my heart to think that she is afraid. It kills me to think that she worries about other people taking care of her.... No, not just other people - her GRANDPARENTS! The only people who, other than a couple of wonderful friends, can actually watch her! I want her to feel safe and secure. She needs that independence...
I don't exactly know where to go from here... I try to continue to reassure her through words and actions that she is fine. I encourage her to talk about it if she wants to. I'm really not sure what else there is to do...
I suppose it's just a part of raising a child with diabetes.
She's growing up and she is becoming more aware. Of course, as her Mommy, there is a part of me that wants to shield her forever!
But I also want for her to grow with this disease and feel the confidence and pride she will gain from knowing she is able to care for herself - diabetes and all. I want her to feel that smug, "Yeah, I have diabetes. But I got this. I can do anything you can do."
Baby steps, I suppose.
There will always be fear. But as long as we all keep getting back up again and moving forward after fear has knocked us down, we're doing just fine....
Even if we do encounter a few "heart attacks" along the way.