We've been doing this diabetes thing now for a while.
We've got a routine down. It works. We roll with it.
Some days are harder than others. Sometimes things don't work. Sometimes we SWAG wrong. Sometimes there's drama over a site change or something. Sometimes D is more of a pain in the ass than others.
But any more... not much ruffles my feathers. I'm calm. I feel like I can handle most anything D throws at me. I am used to this life. It is now our new normal.
No- scratch that... It's not our new normal. It's just our life.
It's what we know. It's ALL Sweets knows.
And we forget...
Our life is NOT everyone's normal.
Awesome D Mama Alexis and I were just talking about this. How we forget...
We forget they don't know. They don't get it. They aren't used to what living our life looks like. The things we have to worry about and consider just don't don't even enter their minds.
And we are glad for that. We don't want them to know like we do.
But sometimes it hurts, too.
It's normal for us to have our kids attached to medical devices. It's normal to have to stop an activity to test and treat. It's normal to plan meals with extra thought. It's normal to count out and measure everything they eat. It's normal to wake up at night to check. It's normal to test and see some blood many, many times a day. It's normal to have a bag of medical supplies and insulin in our fridge. It's normal to talk about basals and bolusing and how many fries she ate and when the best time to restart Dex would be given activity and peaking insulin.
We forget that to others, this is different.
My kid can't just eat when she's hungry. She can't just eat out of the bag of Goldfish crackers or the bowl of popcorn with her cousins. She can't swim for hours without getting out and testing and sometimes having a snack. Sometimes she has to stop and eat even if she doesn't want to. Sometimes fun times are halted because she has to change her pod or test her blood sugar. She can't go off with her older cousins without one of us because they don't know what to do. She can't just jump in the pool without a care.
All this stuff... it's not really that big of a deal. In the scheme of things... it's just not.
After all, it's our life. It's what we know. It's just what we do.
But it becomes a big deal when no matter how hard you try, your child knows things are different for them. And they know why.
Sweets was so little when she was diagnosed. SHE thinks it's crazy when people do just eat out of the bag. Or when they just eat without asking and testing first.
But she's not stupid. She now knows it's what most people do. She knows no one else in our family has diabetes. No one else wears a pump. No one else checks their blood sugar before they eat.
She knows she is the one who is different.
And, at least right now, 98% of the time it does not bother her.
She has her moments where she may huff and puff but soon she's off to the next thing and the moment has passed. There are times when she expresses something... more. But those are few and far between. At least for now.
It bothers ME.
98% of the time, I just roll with it.
But sometimes it smacks you in the face. And it stings.
All of the "it's not fair". The "why her?" The "if only it was me". The "I hate this".
It rushes back.
And there you stand.
Watching your precious sweet one testing while everyone else is in the pool. Watching her sit out and treat a low. Watching her watch everyone else. Wondering if it's bothering her.
And the tears come.
Because it's NOT fair. Because you DON'T want this for her. Because you wish her worries could be the simple childhood worries of her friends. Because there is nothing you can do to take this away.
Because you feel so alone. Sometimes, even surrounded by family and friends, you feel like an outsider. You feel scared because you are the ONLY one who knows how to care for your child, And you feel angry. Because it shouldn't be this way.
And then it's gone. For me, sometimes it goes as quickly as it comes.
The air gets knocked out of me. And in the next breath, I'm ok.
I'm back to my normal. I'm back to my every day. I'm back to solid ground.
The more time passes, the easier it is to get to that place of "ok". It gets easier to pull it together and remember my life is pretty awesome. Even with diabetes.
** Some of these truths are mine. And some belong to Alexis. And some belong to us both. I've weaved our stories together. We are "Same Same". And I have a sneaking suspicion that we are not alone in these feelings. That may be the best part.... we are NOT alone. Does it matter that we are on opposite sides of the country? Nope. Texts go really fast. So does facebook. And email. And it grounds us. When you are feeling like this - know you are never alone. And you can bet there is another Mama or Papa feeling the same thing. Cling to each other until you get your footing again. Support is what we do best!**