Diabetes made me do it.
I mean, really. I would NOT have been standing there nervously shifting from foot to foot, my eyes locked on my little girl doing gymnastics down below, while shoving Skittles in my mouth - one after another after another - if had NOT been for diabetes.
Ok, fine. Free will... blah, blah, blah. I'm responsible for my own actions. No one was force feeding me.
BUT... I don't care. I'm so blaming diabetes. If it wasn't for D, I would not have been fighting to hold onto a semblance of calm, forcing myself to stay put and let her be, pushing down that rising panic/fear/dread as hard as I could.
All the other parents were sitting there happily watching their kids. Or NOT watching their kids and instead reading a book. Or talking to friends. Or signing their kid up for the overnight.
Maybe I should rewind and start from the beginning...
Yesterday was Sweetpea's first time in her new gymnastics class. She has moved up 2 or 3 times since last Spring. And THIS class uses the "BIG" equipment. This class uses the regular bars and beams and trampolines. So it's a BIG DEAL.
She was so happy! She was SO looking forward to this! And then when we got there, a friend from her class at school is also in this gymnastics class. Could it get any better?!? She could hardly wait to get started.
J took her to class and I met them there. He called me and said she was on the lower side (84) with IOB so he wondered if and what to give her. We decided some fat - that always holds her steady. M&M's usually are the perfect option. SHe downed 6g before class started.
Then, right as she was going into the gym, she beeped double arrows down.
Crap on a Stick.
I tested her again while she impatiently hopped from foot to foot watching the girls in her new class run into the gym.
Well, Hell. I gave her juice which she sucked down and ran off.
About 15 minutes later when they had moved over closer to the door to get drinks, I grabbed her and tested her again. She was not thrilled with me. "HURRY UP! I don't want to miss something".
Are you frickin' kidding me?!?
I pull out the Smarties. She had 2 packs - 12g. Smarties ALWAYS work. They work too well so I try not to use them often. But if it was ever a Smartie time - this was it. She munched away and ran off with me calling after her, "If you feel weird, you let me or the teacher knoooooowwwww!"
And at the same time I realize that I'm out of juice and Smarties in the bag. All I have left is Skittles - in colors that she won't eat (read: everything other than red) and Starburst. I'm going over in my mind where I have extra juice boxes stashed - maybe one in my purse.... I KNOW I have at least one in the car. There's also a snack bar upstairs.... We will be ok...
If you are wondering, she does not wear the cgm during gymnastics. It gets in the way. And she just does not want to answer questions about what she has on. No one seems to notice the pod under her suit. Although times like this, it makes me nervous to be without it, I really want to respect her wishes and help her learn to live with disease in a way that makes her happy and provides as little disruption and awkward moments as possible.
As for letting her do her thing while she's low.... well, that's our decision. I realize that you may not agree with us. That is fine. You don't have to.
Was I nervous? You bet I was. That is why I was having a mini breakdown and shoving Skittles into my mouth like they were going to cease to exist in a matter of seconds.
BUT... this was her first class. She did NOT want to stop. She did NOT want to leave. I was right there. I was watching her every move. I was checking her every 15 minutes. And for US, for OUR kid... it was the right thing to do. I just absolutely refuse to let D interfere and mess things up any more than absolutely necessary. We find a way to work around it. And that was how we worked around it yesterday.
(So, please don't leave me nasty comments. If you don't agree, fine. Just respect my decision and the fact that we each know our own child better than anyone else and we know how to manage our child's diabetes better than anyone else. One size never fits all for D... So I will respect your choices and you respect mine. Capiche?)
So, back to my nervous Skittle breakdown. At one point I realized that I had NO IDEA what I was eating. I was just eating. Nervous energy. Something to do. And I realized I had to look like a total nut job and not the "calm, cool and collected" Mom that I was desperately trying to portray.
Next thing I know, Sweets is giving me a "Thumbs Down".
Something is not right.
Well, has this not just been the most craptastic class ever?!?
She felt low.
I was super pleased that she actually thought she felt low and then she actually SAID that she felt low. She does not recognize her lows and then she also tends to ignore them if it's inconvenient for her to test. She loathes testing. Not the needle part as much as the interruption. She also hates to let D - or all of it's time consuming tasks - keep her from anything.
She was 145.
Not low. *SIGH* I could finally exhale.
I asked her if she was ready to go. If she just wanted to stop and go home and try again next week. I told her it was ok, no big deal.... if she didn't feel good she should stop.
"No way. If I'm not low, I'm going back."
That's my girl. Determined.
She finished the last 10 minutes of class. She learned how to get on the big bars and swing. I could see she was nervous about it. But she stayed there until she did it.
I'm proud of her.
But I'm still totally blaming Diabetes for my Skittle meltdown - as well as the pounds I've gained since diagnosis.
Hmmm.... Maybe I need a little of her determination....