Going Back.... and Moving Forward

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Tomorrow is our first day back at school after our winter break.

I can hear Mothers all over the country rejoicing!

However... for me, it means back to work.  

Back to the daily grind.  Back to the crazy busy schedule.  Back to strict bedtimes and routine.  Back to exhaustion.  

Back to giving up control.

Do you know what the best part of vacation is for me?  

There are so MANY things I love and enjoy.... but one of the biggies is that I am totally in control of Sweetpea's diabetes.  

While she's home, I'm not having anyone else count carbs and bolus.  I'm not dealing with the mid morning school snack that pretty much makes returning to a normal blood sugar after breakfast carbs and before eating again impossible.  I'm not going by what anyone else is telling me.  I'm not looking at the Dex later and trying to figure out what happened when and why.  I'm not having to trust anyone elses judgement.  I'm not having to deal with D or treat D over the phone.  

No... When we're home - I'm ON IT.  I know exactly what's going on.  I can SEE it.  I can get her to go 3 hours between meals.  I can be more aggressive with bolusing.  I can try new things.  I KNOW the carb counts for food and I know how it affects her and I know (most of the time, anyway) how to bolus her for it.  I can see in her behavior what's going on.  


I feel like I'm really, truly giving it my all.  Does that mean it's perfect when we're home?  HELL NO!  BUT.... I know I've done everything humanly possible to get it right and I find that when I'm there, I can figure out how I might turn those... mishaps... into successes.  


I don't like not being in control.  

I can't help it.  I just feel like... "Well... Here we go again.  Give it a week and I'll feel like I no longer have a handle on things."
Yes, I know I won't be controlling her diabetes her whole life.

Yes, I know it's good for both of us to allow others to take on some control and responsibility.


But I don't have to LIKE it!


Maybe there's a deeper issue here.... You know, other than me being a control freak!


Last week, I read a wonderful post by Joanne over at Death of a Pancreas called One Disease to Rule it All.  She compared diabetes to Lord of the Rings.  Specifically, she compares diabetes to THE ring.  

Now, I'm not a LOTR fan.  I've never seen it.  I have no clue what it's about.  But her post really spoke to me.  


Especially THIS LINE:  
"There will come a day where the quest for me is over, and I will pass the ring onto Elise."

Here's the thing, folks.  

With all of my being...  With every ounce of everything I've got... 

I DON'T WANT TO TURN THE RING OVER.

I don't.  

Yes, I know it means sleeping thru the night (maybe).  I know it means gaining some mental space back.  I know it means giving up the constant THINKING about D... supplies, care, carbs, etc.  Yes, I KNOW.

But you see...  

It's bad enough that SHE is the one being poked and prodded and paraded to countless doctor visits.  It's bad enough that SHE is the one wearing the devices 24/7.  It's bad enough that it's HER fingers that look awful.  That it's HER blood we see so many times a day.  

I'd give ANYTHING to carry this ring, this burden for her forever.  

It's the least I can do, right?

It HURTS me to see her in pain.  It HURTS me to see her doing all of these things just to stay alive.  

But what hurts the most is knowing that it's not going away.  That one day, I will pass control on to HER.  

I will be done.  She will not.

It's quite possible that there is something I wish for just as much as  a cure.  

I wish it was ME.  

I'd do ANYTHING to take this disease from her.  I'd do ANYTHING to spare her.  I'd do ANYTHING to carry it forever.

This was not the life I wanted for her.  I'm sure it wasn't the life you wanted for your child either.  Even though we see and are thankful for the numerous blessings to come from diabetes....  NONE of us want it at the expense of our children.  Of their health.  Of their future.

It's not that I don't think she can handle it.  It's not that I don't think she's capable of taking care of herself and controlling her diabetes.

No....  I KNOW that this girl is going to give D a run.  I know she's going to give it all she's got.  She's tough.  She's a fighter.  She's not going to let it stop her.  She's not going to let it hold her back.  


If D had any sense, it should shaking in it's boots.  Cause she's coming...  


And trust me.... You don't want to tangle with her.  She doesn't take kindly to losing or being told what to do.






So, maybe when I get that sick feeling down in the pit of my stomach...  that constricting of my heart... when I am forced to acknowledge that diabetes will one day become HER ring...


With all of my being... With everything I've got...


I will HOPE that I never to have turn it over.


Because before that day comes... 


there will be a CURE.



 
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13 comments:

  1. So well said Hallie! I'm with you...while it will be much more quiet in my house tomorrow, I will be uneasy all day. I don't like relying on others to take care of Ally. I am a bit of a control freak too!

    And I have that same pit in my stomach. While I really do try to prepare Ally in little ways each day for that day when she will take on her own D care...I just keep telling myself that it is YEARS away. It's the only way that I can avoid thinking abotu how much it scares me!

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  2. You always know how to make me cry. I cant totally related on the school thing because one of us must be there everyday to bolus J/count carbs but when it comes to the lows or the unscheduled activity I cringe.

    And the RING. I hold onto it so tight. I allow him responsibility and control over what hes ready for. But whats the rush? If it makes it any easier for him I will gladly wear it until the day a cure is found.

    Youve inspired me to write a post...thank you for your amazing words that always resonate in my soul.(((((HUGS)))))) love ya!

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  3. You always know how to make me cry. I cant totally related on the school thing because one of us must be there everyday to bolus J/count carbs but when it comes to the lows or the unscheduled activity I cringe.

    And the RING. I hold onto it so tight. I allow him responsibility and control over what hes ready for. But whats the rush? If it makes it any easier for him I will gladly wear it until the day a cure is found.

    Youve inspired me to write a post...thank you for your amazing words that always resonate in my soul.(((((HUGS)))))) love ya!

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  4. I am SO BAD at D control issues. I **KNOW** I'm supposed to use every day preparing for them moment that we hand over the ring...but...I don't think **I'LL** ever be ready. I have no doubt whatsoever that SHE'LL be able to take the reigns one day. It's ME that's the problem.

    If it's any consolation, I feel the same way about sending her back to school...like I'm having to let her go. I LIKE having her here and being able to micromanage every detail to keep D at bay. Knowing I'll drop her off in the morning, causes a little anxt.

    You're in good company, my friend.

    We'll get through it together.

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  5. Thanks for writing this for ME Hallie :) LOL

    Um, yeah....you said it! EVERY-SINGLE-WORD you blogged I feel!!! I LOVE IT when my D Moms blog MY heart out! AND, I love having Maddison home and being 100% in charge of D! WE know best....'Nough said!!

    Tomorrow D Moms all over this world will be wondering what the week will bring for our kids. Lows? Highs? You know it aint likely to be stability! But ya know what? We will get 'em back to where they need to be! ((HUGS)) 2011 better watch out for D Mama's :)

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  6. The thing is, you won't just hand her the reigns one day...it will be a process. A long process. You will hand her bits and pieces, when and only when SHE is ready. And when the time comes, you won't be handing her the ring, she will take it from you. I have a feeling that none of us moms will truly be rid of the ring. I think it will always be in the back of our mind, whether we hold possesion or not.

    I'm sorry that you have to give up control. My heart aches for you tomorrow. I know the relief of having a handle on it all. My motto for 2011...one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Love you!

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  7. Meri, you are so right! That's exactly how I feel. Our job as D-mums is to prepare our kiddos to TAKE that ring. Bob will tell you it's not so bad dealing with D as an adult. And he had to take on the ring suddenly, himself, with very little support - only what I could give, which wasn't much....no medical support really. Isabel will be FAR better prepared!

    Hallie.....I have to say I'm laughing at myself here....I am such a massive control freak but I am SO ready for Isabel to go back to school today and get back into her routine! Her BG is far better when she's at school and in the daily routine of breakfast at 7, snack at 10.30, lunch at 12, snack at 2 and dinner at 5-5.30 and bed at 7. During weekends and school holidays our routine goes down the toilet and so does my level of control.....it's SCARY!!!!! We eat out, we go places, her activity level is different, her bedtime is different, her getting-up time is different....every day is a guessing game and the only control I retain is more and more frequent BG tests. At school she has the fingerpokes 4 times max, and often only 3. This last week we've been poking her about 10 times during the day time hours, on average - sometimes more - and still her BGs have been all over the place! Argh! Still, she's enjoyed herself. That's the main thing. And now I can breathe a sigh of relief and get back to work! Today has been the most stable BG day for about 2 weeks, so far!

    Yes, I am SURE there will be a cure by the time it comes to us handing over the ring :) Or at least technology will be advanced such that it won't be such a burden for our babes. Hang in there, stay strong! Love you! xoxo

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  8. I am with Meri. Once Joe entered K-garten he took over everything at school. He was ready for the blood sugar checking the pump controlling and the carb counting (well...the carb reading, I write down all of his grams). He wanted to take over some of it. When he is home he prefers that I do most of the "d" care...but while he is without me...he prefers to do it.

    I am reminded here too of a post Nicole from We CaraLot Blog wrote about one day when our kids take over the "d" management that we won't be included "in the club" per se. That post got to me. I think it is... I don't want Joe (and all of our children) to feel like I/we don't "get it".

    I am sorry you have to head back to work today! I hope you had a great vacation with SweetPea.

    xoxo

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  9. Oh I feel the same way about vacation - it's all within an arm's reach, which is so much easier!

    Having been through this with a three year old who has turned 4, 5, 6, 7, and soon to be 8, I can say that the thought of turning it over has gotten less scary with each year of Caleb's maturity. It's been a natural progression and even calmness. I think you will find it to be the same. Though I too hope we get to the point where it won't even be necessary. :)

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  10. I feel the exact same way, Hallie. I dread the day that I have to hand over the "ring" to my girls, I guess for me it's because I feel that the burden of d is so heavy at times. I would keep that ring with me forever if I could and give them a life free from the demands that d holds with it. I can only hope that I do a good job of preparing them for the day when D becomes solely their disease, their responsibility, their "ring"...I just wish I didn't have to hand that over to them.

    With Miss E in kindergarten this year, she has to check her blood sugar just as much as she does at home...if not more. They have snack time daily, a different parent brings snack each day. There are birthday cupcakes, resess checks, PE checks, lunch checks, snack checks...you get the idea :) She spends a lot of time in the nurses office and there are days she hates it.

    I love having my kiddos home with me where I can control their daily care, I too am a bit of a control freak when it comes to d management. You are not alone in this my friend!

    (((hugs)))

    Hoping for a smooth transition back into school and work!

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  11. Thanks for the shout out Hallie... I didn't say much about it in my post, but I also dread the day I hand over the ring to Elise. It's already started in bits and pieces. She is so head strong and wants to do everything herself, and one day I'll have to let go.

    But I'm not looking forward to it. Not one bit.

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  12. Again, you took the words right out of my mind.

    I dread that handing over of the ring too. My only consolation "prize" is that I get to do it gradually. Praise the Lord for that! If it was all at once it would be SO much harder.

    I struggle with how much Lovebug should do at school come this fall. My instinct is to not let her do anything until she is showing interest and right now she isn't. That is O.K. with me. Let me do it as long as I can. She will be doing this SO much longer then I will.

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  13. I like you would give anything to TAKE THE RING! I wish everyday that it was me instead of Nate!!!

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