Tomorrow is our first day back at school after our winter break.
I can hear Mothers all over the country rejoicing!
However... for me, it means back to work.
Back to the daily grind. Back to the crazy busy schedule. Back to strict bedtimes and routine. Back to exhaustion.
Back to giving up control.
Do you know what the best part of vacation is for me?
There are so MANY things I love and enjoy.... but one of the biggies is that I am totally in control of Sweetpea's diabetes.
While she's home, I'm not having anyone else count carbs and bolus. I'm not dealing with the mid morning school snack that pretty much makes returning to a normal blood sugar after breakfast carbs and before eating again impossible. I'm not going by what anyone else is telling me. I'm not looking at the Dex later and trying to figure out what happened when and why. I'm not having to trust anyone elses judgement. I'm not having to deal with D or treat D over the phone.
No... When we're home - I'm ON IT. I know exactly what's going on. I can SEE it. I can get her to go 3 hours between meals. I can be more aggressive with bolusing. I can try new things. I KNOW the carb counts for food and I know how it affects her and I know (most of the time, anyway) how to bolus her for it. I can see in her behavior what's going on.
I feel like I'm really, truly giving it my all. Does that mean it's perfect when we're home? HELL NO! BUT.... I know I've done everything humanly possible to get it right and I find that when I'm there, I can figure out how I might turn those... mishaps... into successes.
I don't like not being in control.
I can't help it. I just feel like... "Well... Here we go again. Give it a week and I'll feel like I no longer have a handle on things."
Yes, I know I won't be controlling her diabetes her whole life.
Yes, I know it's good for both of us to allow others to take on some control and responsibility.
But I don't have to LIKE it!
Maybe there's a deeper issue here.... You know, other than me being a control freak!
Last week, I read a wonderful post by Joanne over at Death of a Pancreas called One Disease to Rule it All. She compared diabetes to Lord of the Rings. Specifically, she compares diabetes to THE ring.
Now, I'm not a LOTR fan. I've never seen it. I have no clue what it's about. But her post really spoke to me.
Especially THIS LINE:
"There will come a day where the quest for me is over, and I will pass the ring onto Elise."
Here's the thing, folks.
With all of my being... With every ounce of everything I've got...
I DON'T WANT TO TURN THE RING OVER.
Yes, I know it means sleeping thru the night (maybe). I know it means gaining some mental space back. I know it means giving up the constant THINKING about D... supplies, care, carbs, etc. Yes, I KNOW.
But you see...
It's bad enough that SHE is the one being poked and prodded and paraded to countless doctor visits. It's bad enough that SHE is the one wearing the devices 24/7. It's bad enough that it's HER fingers that look awful. That it's HER blood we see so many times a day.
I'd give ANYTHING to carry this ring, this burden for her forever.
It's the least I can do, right?
It HURTS me to see her in pain. It HURTS me to see her doing all of these things just to stay alive.
But what hurts the most is knowing that it's not going away. That one day, I will pass control on to HER.
I will be done. She will not.
It's quite possible that there is something I wish for just as much as a cure.
I wish it was ME.
I'd do ANYTHING to take this disease from her. I'd do ANYTHING to spare her. I'd do ANYTHING to carry it forever.
This was not the life I wanted for her. I'm sure it wasn't the life you wanted for your child either. Even though we see and are thankful for the numerous blessings to come from diabetes.... NONE of us want it at the expense of our children. Of their health. Of their future.
It's not that I don't think she can handle it. It's not that I don't think she's capable of taking care of herself and controlling her diabetes.
No.... I KNOW that this girl is going to give D a run. I know she's going to give it all she's got. She's tough. She's a fighter. She's not going to let it stop her. She's not going to let it hold her back.
If D had any sense, it should shaking in it's boots. Cause she's coming...
And trust me.... You don't want to tangle with her. She doesn't take kindly to losing or being told what to do.
So, maybe when I get that sick feeling down in the pit of my stomach... that constricting of my heart... when I am forced to acknowledge that diabetes will one day become HER ring...
With all of my being... With everything I've got...
I will HOPE that I never to have turn it over.
Because before that day comes...
there will be a CURE.