Thursday, January 27, 2011

Lows are like Snowflakes

Each one is different.  Just like a snowflake.

Nothing with diabetes is ever predictable.  Ever the same.

I should know that by now.  Wouldn't you think?

But this morning.... not so much.

This morning I forgot.  This morning I let myself be lulled into a false sense of safety.

We've been battling lows.  Low after low after low.  We've pulled back basals.  We've changed carb ratios.  We've even called the hospital for extra help. 

And yet they persist.

Over the weekend, Sweetpea had a 39.

Yes, a 39.

And you wouldn't have known. 

She was talking and playing like nothing was wrong.  This isn't the first time.  She's been in the 30's before... answering questions, talking, recalling information, walking, running....

Over the weekend, however, the low hit hard.  Although inconspicuous at first, it reared it's ugly head and left her crying on the couch that her belly hurt. 

She's just starting to be aware.  She just now moving from "I feel hungry" (which was our only symptom and sign for so long) to "My tummy hurts.  I feel low."

This is a good thing.  At least, it's as much of a good thing as a low can be.

Yesterday was not a good day.  Her blood sugar was 76 after preschool.  She had 3 free carbs.  THREE. 

Two hours later she was 435. 

A correction was given.  And 90 minutes later she was 95. 

Her attitude was terrible.  She was angry, grumpy and mean.  She was tired. 

She hovered at 80-90 for awhile.  She was at a good number at bed - 145.  She stayed steady there for most of the night.

Until she started dropping. 

By 7:30, she was awake.  And she was low.

71

Not a terribly low number.  She felt it, though.  Said her tummy hurt.

We looked for juice.  None to be found in her room OR in the hall linen closet where we keep our stash.

I was in the process of getting dressed for work when this all started going down.  I had a meeting and I HAD to be there on time.

She said she'd go downstairs and get the juice.  On her own. 

"Fine" I said.  Thinking that would buy me a couple of minutes to continue throwing on my clothes in haphazard fashion.  No worries.  It wasn't that low....

The next thing I hear is crying. 

She is laying on the steps, at the bottom. 

She fell. 

She fell down the steps. 

At 71.

The rest of the morning continued in at a frantic pace. 

Pick her up.  Make sure she's ok. Get the juice.  Drink the juice.  Wait.....  Test again... She's coming up.

Get dressed.  Get HER dressed.  She's crying.  She's hungry.  She wants to go to McDonalds.  We NEVER go to McDonalds for breakfast. 

"We can't today, Sweetie.  We're already late and I HAVE to get to this meeting."

"THIS IS WHY I HATE SCHOOL!"  she shouts.  "I'm TIRED.  I don't want to go.  I just want to stay here."

"I'm sorry, hon.  I know you're tired.  I'm tired, too. But we have to go to school.  Please get dressed."

Pants go flying across the room.  Her door slams.  Yes, she's only 4. 

I start looking for my shoes and putting on my earrings. 

She appears in the doorway with her shirt over her head. She's stuck.  Needs help.  She's crying.

We fix it.  I get myself thrown together.  I try to do her hair.  She's still crying.  "I wish I was a Mom before you."  she says.  "Then I wouldn't have to do my hair.  You hurt me.  You always hurt me."

I explain that an easy solution is to cut off all of her hair.  She does not like this idea.

She can't find her coat.  She won't put it on.  She's still crying.

We finally get in the car.  We're late.  We're not going to make it on time. 

I look in the rear view mirror and see her staring out the window.  Blankly.

I wonder what she's thinking.  I wonder what's going through her head. 

I know what's going through mine.  I hate diabetes. I'm sorry, but I do.  I hate what it does to my child.  I hate seeing her like that.  I hate it.  I hate that I can't make it better.  I hate that my best isn't always good enough.  I hate that I can't protect her from this beast. 

We get to school.  We're late.  10 minutes.  We run upstairs and the join the meeting already in progress.  I test again.  145.  Good number.  The juice didn't send her sky high. 

She crawls into my lap and puts her head on my shoulder.  I finally relax. 

"I love you, Mommy."  she whispers into my ear. 

"I know baby.  I love you, too."


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15 comments:

  1. Oh I am so sorry this is how your day started!! I hate it too and guess what I think it is okay to hate it! I know you that you must of been scared when you found her at the bottom of the stairs my heart stoped just reading it. IT STINKS!! For sure!! BIG HUGS sent your way

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  2. i love this post. a lot.
    but just wait until she is 16 years old.
    if i'm low at night i scream at my dad if he doesn't get my juice within 2 seconds. i've even tried to hit him before.
    diabetics are monsters when they are low.
    trust me. :)

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  3. Aw. I don't know what to say. That all is stinky to put it lightly, but I love, love, love how it ends. Hugs Hallie.

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  4. Oh hon...i'm so sorry. That is terrible. :( I hope that tomorrow is better for you guys.

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  5. I hate diabetes too.

    but thank you for the sweet ending. ((((hugs))))

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  6. Ugh...I've had a couple of those days myself. Lows stink!!!! Hope things turn around for her (and you)...but not so much that your battling those nasty highs instead!

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  7. You said it perfectly... I hate what diabetes does to Elise. We have days that sound exactly like the one you described (behavior-wise), and sometimes I wonder if my girl has a big-time attitude, or if it's diabetes. Thanks for posting this, it helps me to realize that what Elise does is "normal" (well, normal for a cwd)

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  8. I hate Diabetes too. Sometimes I wonder why everyone in blog land tries to make it look like its ok....because when you had a morning like this it isnt ok!!!

    :( Whats the suckiest is that low of 71 that feels like the 39!! I have myself had 4 numbers in the
    70's this week that left me feeling like your sweetie...MEAN! MAD! OUT OF CONTROL! FEELING SOOOOO LOW.....but you arent according to the meter. Those really suck! ((HUGS)) I know how she feels...and I know how the D Momma felt at that moment. Im not sure which one hurts the most!

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  9. I HATE those times when I can tell D is trying to take over and she feels horrible. ((hugs)) You are a good mom just trying to do your best like the rest of us.

    I love your new blog design =)

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  10. But Hallie, snowflakes are beautiful and lows are . . . . well since I don't like to curse . . . . f'ugly. Hehe

    It's all about the cuddling and the I love you's. You did good, mama.

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  11. I hate D too..so SO much! I am sorry you and sweetpea are having such a crazy time with the lows. You are doing a great job and the cuddles and I love you's are the proof! xo

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  12. Ugh. I know how it feels. It can be so hard to watch our sweet babies struggle with the lows and highs. My little girl is 4 too. We've had a 35 before that I just happen to check randomly. She looked and acted FINE. We've also had a 68 where she had a tiny seizure if there is such a thing. ((hugs))

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  13. There are days when I hate it too. It is ok to hate it. Sometimes we just have to put our head down and forge ahead! Thankfully our children are so resiliant. I'm sorry that low hit her so hard. I know it is heartbreaking friend!

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  14. I had a good time here but will return to google now.

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  15. I guess my first comment didn't make it through, because I didn't leave my name which is Rebecca.
    I would LOVE to win the bag, because I am so tired of the boring black one my meter comes in. It's not only the color, but also that it doesn't have room for all the stuff I need to carry for my diabetes.

    Off to post of Facebook :-)

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