"In an old house in Paris all covered with vines, lived 12 little girls in two straight lines... The smallest one was Madeline."
J and I love to read. We read constantly! I love reading... Especially "fluffy" mysteries. Ones that are heavy on the mystery and light on the murder.
Of course, I also like reading blogs! And right now ONE of the books I'm reading is "Think Like a Pancreas" by Gary Scheiner (more in that later...)
But one of my favorite books of all time... Since I was little... Is Madeline!
And Sweetpea inherited my love for Madeline, too!
We read Madeline a lot at our house. And watch the movie and the videos...
For the last two years, one line from the original book has haunted me...
"In the middle of the night Miss Clavel turned on her light and said, "Something is not right!"
(In case you are not familiar with the story, It turned out that Madeline needed to have her appendix out.)
I've been in Miss Clavel's shoes. Exactly two years ago, I had quite a few moments where I felt that SOMETHING was not right. I just didn't know what...
Maybe it's the time of the year and the fact that Sweetpea's Diaversary is closing in...
Maybe it's all the dx stories I'm listening to as part of a project for our upcoming JDRF Gala...
Maybe it's seeing all those blue candles and knowing what they mean...
Maybe it's hearing the news that my sweet friend Heather is facing the diagnosis of a second child...
Maybe it was reading Meri's post yesterday...
Memories of those pre- dx days are flooding in. And with them, the emotions and questions I constantly struggle with.
How are we going to do this?
What if our insurance wont pay for it?
What if we lose our insurance?
Will this ever end?
What's going to happen as she gets older?
How will she manage this when she's on her own?
And the one that in ask each and every day...
"Why couldn't it have been me?"
The one question that I don't ask is.... Why? Why my child? Why us?
I think that is REALLY unusual. And odd....
And in no way am I saying that I'm so much more well adjusted or anything like that... Cuz that is soooooo NOT TRUE. And maybe I'll get there... I have no idea where my journey thru the grief and emotions of this disease will take me next.
I'm just saying that from the start, I always answered that question with, "Why NOT us?".
About this time, two years ago... There was a song that I would listen to on my way home from Bible Study. There was something about this song... It would bring tears to my eyes and I didn't get why... Whenever I heard it, I just had this FEELING that SOMETHING was not right. I had this feeling that something BIG was going to happen... I just didn't know what...
I think it was God's way of preparing me for what was to come...
Now, you may disagree with this next part. And it's ok if you do. I think that we, as a community, are able to have differing opinions and still show each other love and respect.
But I believe that there is a reason that WE are living with diabetes. I think that the is a reason that God chose US- or let this happen to US... To Sweetpea.
As much as I wish more than anything that I could take on this disease myself, I believe that God chose her for a reason. And there is a reason he chose me to be her Mom. I believe it's part if His plan.
I don't know why... And I'm not even sure why really matters.
It just is. This is our life.
And I choose to attack this reality like I do best... With full force and passion.
It's hard to be our the sidelines while your child battles a disease... Only calling out plays and hoping that it will work. It's hard to not be in control. It's hard to not be able to make it go away.
And the way I handle that is by throwing myself into this world.
This is why we walk.
This is why we advocate.
This is why I fundraise like a mad woman.
This is why I am an advocate for JDRF.
This is why we we go to Washington to talk with Congress.
I don't think it would be much of a stretch to say this is why I live and breathe.
Because I don't know why...
But I know that I can make a difference.
For you. For the 40 children diagnosed today. For Heather and her Princess. For those who have lost this fight.
And, most of all, for my sweet little pea!