The Easy Way Out

Thursday, July 15, 2010

A few weeks ago, we took the easy way out.

That's not like me. Not at all. I usually make things more difficult than needed.

But a few weeks ago.... well, I took the easy way out.

Our church was having a field day for the kids during church services.

Sounds fun, right?

Not to parents of a diabetic child.

Especially not when we were informed there would be Popsicles and...... marshmallows.

Dear God!

Popsicles, marshmallows, an undetermined amount of activity and caretakers who know nothing of diabetes?!?!

It's like the seventh circle of Hell or something!

Ok, so maybe I enlarge a little.

Just a little.

Why couldn't they do the relay with eggs instead of marshmallows? Having her eat a marshmallow is suicide for her blood sugar. You might as well pour straight sugar down her throat.

No... pouring straight sugar down her throat would be better! At least she'd spike and fall. With marshmallows she goes high and stays high. And nothing I do fixes it.

So....

We decided to skip church that weekend.

And part of me feels guilty.

Not about missing church.

About WHY we missed church.

To be clear, Sweetpea knew nothing of the field day. Had she known and asked to go, we would have made it work. One of us (probably me - control issues) would have had to tag along to all the stations to supervise. Someone (me) would have had to watch and bolus and time insulin correctly.... Someone (me) would have gritted her teeth as she said "Yes, you can have the marshmallow." with sigh of resignation.

I won't let her miss out on something that she wants to do because of diabetes. But she didn't know..... sooooo......

There's a part of me that feels like I let D win.

But there's another part of me that knows that sometimes we just need a break. Sometimes it's ok to not put yourself in a position where you feel like the outsider, the abnormal family, the overprotective parent... Sometimes it's ok to need a break.

I keep telling myself that.

Because the thing is..... we've got a long time to fight this war.

And maybe I retreated on one battle. But only to get stronger. So I can WIN the war.

And I WILL WIN THIS WAR. SWEETPEA WILL WIN THIS WAR.

Diabetes isn't going anywhere. It's always there. Nagging me. Beating me down. Wearing me out. Wreaking havoc on a small girl and her tiny body. A girl that I love dearly.

So, we live to fight another day.

And fight we do.

Every day. Every hour. Every minute.

Bg check to bg check. Bolus to bolus. Meal to meal.

Riding the wave of the insulin. Watching the spikes and the falls. Counting. Adding. Subtracting. Guesstimating.

Mentally reviewing the options... for dinner, for bedtime snack, for a correction, for a low treat, for activity....

Considering how things affect bg... food, exercise, glycemic index, illness, anxiety, excitement, fear.....

Checking.... midnight, 3 am, 7 am, 9, noon, 3, 6, 9 pm..... again and again and again....

Sometimes less. Sometimes more.

Praying. Hoping. Holding our breaths.

Creeping into darkened bedrooms in the middle of the night. Rolling over a sleeping child. Looking for a finger. Checking to make sure he or she is still breathing.

Drying tears. Wiping blood. Inserting needles. Playing doctor.

Day after day after day after day after day......

So you see?

There is no easy way out with diabetes.

(Musical Accompaniment: No Easy Way Out from the Rocky IV Soundtrack)


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