Purging

Monday, July 5, 2010

We're having a garage sale!

This coming weekend, we are going to have the Mac Daddy of garage sales!

We have sold NOTHING since Sweetpea was born. We still have all of her clothes, toys, pack and plays, (we have 3), highchairs, bouncy seats, gates, infant swing, inflatable pool..... You name it, we've got it!

We also have things (like dishes, furniture...) that we had as "singles" before we got married. We each had houses when we got married so we had to combine two already functioning households.

When Sweetpea was diagnosed, we were still in "negotiations" about having another baby. And we had kept all of our stuff - just in case.

J says that the only good thing about D is that is put us on the same page concerning having another child. I wanted one. He didn't. And now... well, I agree with him.

It's not like D took that dream away from me. It really isn't like that at all.

I was never totally sure another child was in our future. I'm an only - and I've always been cool with that. And I could see us living very happily with our Sweetpea.

And then D happened....

And I know that it's just not in the cards for us.

Part of it is the timing... We are just now getting to a comfortable place with D. And neither of us is getting younger. J thought he was too old a few years ago!

Part of it is money... I'm OUT of sick days. I have NONE. Used 'em all up when Sweetpea was diagnosed and I spent the remainder of the school year at home with her.

Part of it is our personalities... We like structure and order. We like traveling and going and doing. And that is very easy with one child. Even one child with D.

Neither of us wants to add anything else to our plates! We're full, thanks! We're button undone-pushed away from the table- sitting on the couch watching football after Thanksgiving dinner- DONE. (Unless God has a sense of humor... which I know He does... but... it's going to have to be His call.)

So - the SALE.

I've been going through clothing. Clothes have a strong pull for me. I remember each piece. I know where she wore things. I like smelling them. She was a spitter. Reflux for the first year of her life - projectile spitting. So her baby smell is that of Spray-N-Wash.

And I got the point where I was going through recent clothing.

There were the jammies that she wore all winter. One sickness after another. Scarlet fever. Stomach flu. A strange "virus"..... I hate those jammies.

I found the dress she wore at Easter (a month before dx). When she was skin and bones. She looked awful. Those pictures are terrible.

And the pants she wore on the airplane trip home from Florida. The pants she SOAKED in less than an hour. And she had a diaper on. We had to take them off of her and dry them in the restroom with the hand dryer. Seeing those pants turned my stomach.

I can't wait to get rid of it all.

And there was the outfit that she wore the day she was diagnosed.

I'll never forget it.

It was the Gymboree 2009 line with the monkeys on it. The top was white and had monkeys on it and said "Silly Monkey". The pants were jean capris with a braided belt and monkeys on the bottom.

Everyone commented that day on the Silly Monkey thing. All the nurses tried to distract her by asking if she was a silly monkey.

That outfit... I just can't sell it. That's probably really weird, I know. I don't know why I can't let it go. The rest of it... I can't wait to unload. But that outfit is different. It's part of our history. And maybe the reason I don't hate that outfit - like I hate the others - is that although it was the WORST day of our lives - it was also the BEST - because it was the day her life was saved.

So that outfit will sit, along with a few chosen others, in a special box. As a memory.

And although going through those old clothes brought me to tears, I'm ready to purge all that stuff and move forward.

I read an amazing quote today on Heather's blog, Sweet to the Soul. You really should click and read it for yourself!

"Be encouraged. God sees your tears. Cry them, wipe them, feel them, but don't let them stop you. It is possible to cry and walk." - Kelly Minter



I just LOVED this.

Because it says EXACTLY what I'm feeling. It says EXACTLY what I'm doing - each and every day.

Diabetes has not stopped us.

Not even with having another child. Because if we really felt that was the plan for our family, Diabetes would not hold us back.

I might cry. I might weep.

There are times when the memories are too much. Times when I can't stand another shot or finger prick or site change. Times when seeing what D does to her little body makes me physically ill. Times when she's high, or low, or both in the same hour. Times when it's all too much.

Although there will be weeping in this life, the direction in which we weep is what truly matters" - Kelly Minter
(another quote from Heather's amazing blog post)

And so I purge all those feelings through tears (and blogs!).

And I keep on walking. Walking forward.


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