Sunday, July 18, 2010

Imposter

***WARNING*** Angry blog ahead.... read at your own risk...


Have you ever seen that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio called "Catch Me if You Can"? He plays Frank Abagnale Jr., a con artist, who travels around the world pretending to be people he is not. A pilot. A doctor. A history professor. An assistant attorney general.

That's how I've been feeling.

Like a fraud. An impostor. A pretender.

On so many levels.

I feel like I spend all day, every day pretending to be a pancreas. I don't just "feel" like it. I DO IT. And I have to.

I keep reminding myself that it's a good thing that I'm able to pretend I'm a pancreas. And I know that. But...

It's that I know that I'm just an impostor. I'm not as good as the real thing. And no matter how hard I try, I never will be.

Did you know that bananas can affect blood sugar differently depending on how ripe they are?

Get this...



The glycemic index (GI) of bananas varies depending upon how ripe the
bananas are. This is because a lot of the carbohydrate in green bananas is in
the form of a kind of resistant starch which we lack the enzyme to digest. As
the fruit ripens, the starch is converted into readily available sugars.
One study of "under-ripe" bananas came up with a glycemic index of 30. One of
"slightly under-ripe bananas" that were "yellow with green sections" produced a
GI of 42, while another of "over-ripe" bananas was 52.
From http://www.lowcarbdiets.about.com/


It amazes me that a functioning pancreas can just handle it. Non diabetics don't think twice. But for those of us in the D club.... it's not that simple.
How in heaven's name am I supposed to know this about every food?!? I can't. I simply can not control Sweetpea's blood sugar as well as her pancreas. And SHE will pay the price.

Stupid pancreas. Why'd ya have to go quit on us?




Sometimes I feel like an impostor or a fraud because I try so hard to put a happy spin on everything.

So many people out there that don't know and don't understand....

Thinking we should be "over it" by now.

Thinking we should have her numbers "under control".

Thinking we're overprotective for getting up multiple times during the night to test.

Thinking we're so lucky... because we caught it so early or she got it so young or because she has a pump or that she's healthy and doing well....

We ARE lucky in some ways. But I just can't bring myself to say that we're "LUCKY" because she got D at 3 instead of 13.

I'm GLAD she got it before she was a tween, if she HAD to get it. But I worry that being diagnosed so young will lead to complications down the road.

A kind person commented on one of my last posts that they have had D for 30 years and have no complications. WAY TO GO! I LOVE hearing that! And at the same time... it makes me sad as I realize that when Sweetpea's had D for 30 years, she'll be 33. Younger than me.

By the time she is 6, she will have had D for over half of her life.

That is NOT FAIR, friends. And I am tired of pretending that it's Ok. I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok with that.

I feel like I'm expected to be Miss Mary Sunshine.

When people ask me about diabetes, they don't want to really hear what it's like. They don't want to really know. It would make them uncomfortable if I showed them the holes in her fingertips or the red marks on her rear. They might get "queasy" if I tested her bg and they saw her blood.


I feel like a fraud because I feel the need to put on a happy face and try to show the world that "it's ok. We're ok. You're right....We're SO LUCKY!".

Well.... guess what?!?

It's NOT OK. Doing what we do every day is NOT OK. I AM NOT OK WITH IT. How could I EVER be ok with piercing my child's flesh and seeing her blood multiple times a day JUST SO SHE WON'T DIE?

One of the things I hear so much is that "You're so lucky that she was so young. She won't even remember life before D."

Is that lucky?

Maybe.

Can YOU imagine living in a world where you knew nothing different than poking your fingers multiple times a day? A world where you inserted needles into your skin regularly? A world where you wear a device (or 2) 24 hours a day 365 days a year? A world where you could not eat a bite of food without thinking about the number of carbs, or how many carbs you were going to eat before you ate them, or how this food would mix with that food?

That's her world. She will never know any different.

And I'm not so sure that's lucky. I think it's sad.

I feel this pressure from those "outside" our world to be grateful because she has a disease that is manageable. Treatable.

Don't think for one minute that I do not thank the Lord that my baby is alive and able to live her life.

I do.

But it doesn't mean that I'm ok with diabetes.
I will NEVER be ok with diabetes.

At least not until this...

Musical Accompaniment: The Great Pretender by The Platters


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4 comments:

  1. I love your honesty. You say things that I want to say, but don't think other people want to hear. I feel the same way as you. When people ask how she is doing - they really do care - but they just want to hear me say we are doing well, managing the beast.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Exactly...that is what I always say to your posts...exactly...or amen...or you go girl!

    But you know what Hallie? You are the real deal. No imposter here...just a mother who is doing her best to keep her child happy and healthy. You are amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You made me cry, I feel same way. But like Meri said youre the real deal! All us D moms are, we do what we can and how we can. Is it fair? No its complete *B_____T. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow, it's amazing how perfectly you said it all--you just hit it all right on the head.

    Thanks for your honest sharing. It's comforting to know we are not alone :)

    ReplyDelete

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