I have a confession.
I've become a sucky friend.
Don't believe me? Let's look at a few examples.
Exhibit A: One of my friends celebrated her birthday at the beginning of December. Her 40th birthday. Then we celebrated Christmas. And I JUST gave her her birthday and Christmas presents. It's FEBRUARY. And she lives down the street. Ridiculous.
Exhibit B: Another friend celebrated his birthday and I ALWAYS call him. ALWAYS. But life was crazy that day and so I thought I'd call after I got Sweets to bed. But then she was low. And then she was LOW low. And by the time I got her up and stable... I forgot.
Exhibit C: Yet another friend's birthday... I had found a card that I thought was perfect. I go to send her the card and realize that she had moved and I didn't have her new address. So I figured I would just CALL her on her birthday and I could get her address then. Yeah.... I didn't have her new phone number either.
I used to have it all together. Perfect presents delivered on time... Cards, calls, staying in touch....
I never expected that Diabetes would affect my friendships. I mean, it's not ME who has diabetes. Why would it matter?
But it has. And it does. And I'm tired of pretending it doesn't. I'm tired if pretending that everything is the same as it always was.
It's not. I'm not.
I used to eat lunch in the staff lounge. I work with an incredible group of people. We were always more friends than coworkers. But I've stopped eating with everyone else. It's nothing personal. It's not that I don't want to get to know the new people. Its not that dont still love everyone. It's not even that I spend half my lunch time checking blood sugar, counting carbs and dosing. It's that lunch is the ONLY time during my day that I get even a few minutes by myself. And I NEED that time.
And let's be honest... I have trouble sometimes relating to others. I'm just so far removed from the dating scene. I can't relate to going on trips - alone - with my husband and friends. My life is very different. And I just don't have the energy to put into it.
By the time we get everything done in the evenings and we get Sweets to bed, I'm just so tired. Sometimes, a LOT of times, the LAST thing I want to do is talk on the phone.
I can't just get a babysitter and go to dinner.
Sometimes I think Sweets needs to do things with Ally and Brianna- other kids with D, other kids who do what she does, other kids who don't make her feel like the odd man out. And sometimes that means cancelling other plans.
I have trouble with small talk because I don't know what it's like to send my kid to school without worry and fear. I don't know what it's like to be able to let her spend the night at a friends house. I don't know what it's like to drop her off for a lesson or a birthday party.
I often feel like I don't fit in anymore. Like I'm pretending when I try to.
I'm tired of pretending.
Now, it's not like I'm alone on this island. I have a couple of good friends who try so very hard to get it. They have learned how to care for her. They know what it's really like. They truly see the ugly side. I feel like they still get me. I don't have to pretend with them. I don't have to explain when I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open or when I'm feel like screaming over a number or an episode of tears.
That is priceless.
We have a little group of friends who we can hang with it. And it feels normal.
And I do need to find a way to pull it together so I quit missing important occasions. I don't WANT to be a sucky friend. I'm just still struggling to find some balance.
It's just so different than I expected. I completely underestimated the impact Diabetes would have in every area of our lives. And after almost 3 years... I just thought I would have had it all figured out by now.
I'm finally to the place where I'm tired of pretending it hasn't changed things and it hasn't changed me.
No more feeling guilty that I'm not who I used to be.
I may not be who I used be and I may not be what I once was. And that's ok.
I'm someone new.
And I'm working on figuring out what that means.
I'm working on doing it right.
And I know that those friends, those people in my life who truly matter, won't mind.
They will forgive my forgetfulness. My lateness. My falling off the radar. My silence.
They will know that I still love them. And I still care.
They will know I'm trying.
And... They will stick with me through the highs and lows. In every sense of the word.