Friday, November 19, 2010
It should be a four letter word.
I have a serious problem with guilt. I feel guilty ALL. THE. TIME.
And I have a LOT of guilt about diabetes.
Shall I list them for you?
Why not? I'm completely honest here. But I'll warn you ... it's not pretty.
I'm guessing that you can relate. Maybe not to all.... but some....
So, in no set order...
I feel guilty because Sweetpea has diabetes and I don't.
I feel guilty that I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and Sweetpea can't.
I feel guilty that I don't have to count carbs for myself or think about how something will affect my blood sugar.
I feel guilty when I ask people to watch Sweetpea because it involves dealing with diabetes and she requires extra care.
I feel guilty that J gets less sleep than I do due to overnight checks and getting up earlier than I do for work. It's his choice but I still feel guilty.
I feel guilty asking Sweetpea's teachers to do something special for her that they wouldn't do for other children. Like scheduling snack time to fit our schedule. Or asking for the carb count of food.
I feel guilty when Sweetpea asks for a special food - Lucky Charms, Sweedish Fish, etc - that other children eat but that I rarely let her eat.
I feel guilty when I eat Sweedish Fish. Or Marshmallows.
I feel guilty that I can't take this disease away from her and I can't make her better.
I feel guilty when Sweetpea asks to go to a friend's house ALONE knowing that I can't leave her with someone who does not understand D.
I feel guilty asking people to learn about diabetes or take on the responsibility.
I feel guilty asking for help.
I feel incredibly guilty that when Sweetpea was playing the other night, she was pretending to put her babies to bed (Daddy was her baby) and she was "complaining" because she hadn't gotten any sleep and was so tired because she'd been up all night changing sites and checking blood sugar.
That makes me want to break into tears.
I NEVER want HER to feel GUILTY about having diabetes. NEVER.
I don't EVER want her to feel like she's a burden because of diabetes.
I feel so guilty that my actions and my words might make her feel that way. I am so afraid that she will feel unloved.
I know. I've got some serious guilt issues.
I know. It's not healthy.
I know. It's not pretty. I told you I'd be honest.
I know. I just wrote a post yesterday about "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" and this may seem like small stuff.
I know - in theory, I know. I get it. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about these things. I know that I can't help it that it's her and not me. I know that people WANT to help.
But I do. Sometimes more than others. For some reasons more than others.
I'm working on it.
Because I know that the guilt takes away precious time and precious energy from what's really important.
Loving my girl. And finding a CURE.
at 12:01 AM